My New Year’s Resolution is - to be more RESOLUTE.
Google says: resolute is an adjective meaning admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.
Who couldn’t benefit from that? What do I want to be in the New Year? Decisive. I need to be more decisive; to feel an idea or a wave of inspiration and just go with it. I need to be more determined. I need to tap into more energy. I need to TRY HARDER.
Sometimes I feel everything in my life has been a short coming in a sense. I feel as though in some ways I have never fully tried to the best of my capabilities at anything. The creation, birthing and rearing of my daughter is the thing I am the proudest of in my life and that has only just begun. So what in the hell have I been doing the other 29 years of my life? There are definitely areas in my life that could benefit from some transformation and I know that it is well within my power to do these things.
”Yes, I’ve been black, but when I come back you’ll know know know!”
– Amy Winehouse
It takes a lot out of you creating a life. It takes a lot out of you accepting death. 2011 was a maelstrom of sorts, in that I had to learn extreme flexibility in multiple ways. Embracing the chaos life can bring can make you a more flexible mother or simply overall individual. Floating capsized in the murky sea of change in a depressive vessel, however, certainly gives you a crash course in embracing…or not giving a fuck, maybe? Regardless, 2011 has been a year that I think has kicked my ass while simultaneously bringing me back up more than any other year in my history. This is after 2010 literally beat the shit out of me. I was pregnant all year. I gave birth. I officially entered motherhood. I lost a close friend. Life was really up in the air, it seemed.
I became a mother last year, but this year was my first FULL year with my daughter; my first year living with and trying to raise a toddler. I feel I have learned so many things and yet still have so much left to learn. I have watched her learn so many things, but yet she still has so much to learn. 2010 brought me life and death, and 2011 brought me hope. I learned to keep trudging on, no matter the consequences, no matter how tired, no matter how worn out, you always have a little more inside that you can give. There really is a reserve tank in there.
I had a relatively good year in 2011. While faced with some old demons, some residual ripples of negativity in my psyche from the previous year(s) of my life, I still had an incredibly fulfilling experience. I nursed approximately 7 months out of this year; cloth diapered approximately 7 months; was next to my daughter damn near the entire year save for a handful of much appreciated, much needed, much deserved nights with Grandma and Grandpa. There was a lot of crunchy granola discovery in there. My heart grew month by month as I enjoyed my first full year as a mama. More love and more love just kept pouring out, it seemed. The healing had begun. I have found numerous helpful online resources and communities to help me on my soul journey and look forward to having these resources in the New Year.
In 2011, I organized and coordinated a local St. Jude Walk-a-Thon in September and raised $1000 with my friends and local volunteers. I started my blog, Musing Through, this year and participated in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo in November. 2011 was preparing me. I feel like it has been a segue year, perhaps, into the rest of my life. A middle marker, where I choose change I want and continue on my path. Or the year where I finally woke up? I’m not sure which. I may have stumbled, but I have found my ground. I will dust myself off. I will straighten myself. I will move forward. I have hope that I will succeed with my goals in 2012, and pray that even with the ones that fall short, I will gain valuable truths and learn many lessons. Like the phoenix, I can rise from the ashes of the past. I can rise out of the cloud of negativity that consumed me in adolescence, and followed me into my early adulthood. I can – change my mind.
I have viewed 2011 as a year of discovery. I have come to terms with a lot of things in myself. I have experienced a large amount of self-growth even though a lot of the “dirty work” remains to be done. I have viewed/examined personal areas that I need to improve in the New Year. Above all, though, I have learned what I am fully capable of, and I know that I am also capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for and I am really excited to work on being more steadfast with my goals next year.
My 2012 New Year’s resolution isn’t anything in particular. It is all things. It’s simply to be more resolute; to be more determined and unwavering. I am capable of great things. I may flicker like the candle flame, but I will continue to burn regardless of the wind. Bring it on, 2012! I have sat on too many ideas and “wouldn’t it be neats” for too long! I vow to myself that this year I will work on bringing everything that has been fermenting in the recesses of my mind to fruition, for good and for real.
In the Year of New,