A Whole New Year: Here's To Me

"And so this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."
To quote John Lennon, "what have you done?"  Have you made the most of this year?  Are you a better "you" than you were a year ago?  I was thinking about the state I was in a year ago and the state I find myself in now.  I can't believe that an entire year has flown by, but upon reflecting I can see the time and changes.  2013 saw some good stuff!  I started off in bad spirits, but this year has seen more personal growth in me than possibly any other.  Like the phoenix out of her ashes, I too have risen out of the pit I found myself in at the end of 2012.  Mind, Body, and Soul, I feel that I have come a long way in 2013.  I have gained insights and a new perspective through my experiences this year that I hope will help me to continue to progress as well in 2014. 

Last year I was too depressed to get a Christmas tree.  I simply didn't give a shit, about most things at the time, but especially for anything that seemed more of a pain than it was worth to me.  This year, even though I didn't decorate it and it was obtained in the easiest way possible, we actually had a tree.  I think that was a step in the right direction, even if the Christmas spirit was more so forced, it was there, nonetheless. And that was symbolic of my recovery, even if I feel I should perhaps be a little farther along on my journey after a year of therapy and medication, a lot of other things have happened this year that have shaped me.

1) I started therapy shortly after the first of the year in 2013. After how things went with Doc X I was so scared I would get a Bible thumping therapist who wouldn't 'get me'. One of the best things that happened was me being referred to my therapist, who I love. She, being an art therapist, understands my artistic mind, we have built up a good report, and this relationship has been key to the success of my progress in many areas of my life. With her I switched from Lexapro to Prozac for an SSRI to help with my seratonin levels and then started on Wellbutrin and discovered how wonderful dopamine can be.

2) I started taking piano lessons in March and it's amazing how I feel about it. It was sort of a symbolic make up for childhood thing that coincided with therapy. It was for my self worth, to feel that I am someone that deserves to and is worth piano lessons. I was entirely more nervous than you would think starting, especially considering a friend of mine is giving me the lessons. I think it's just because I want it so bad. This is something that I have wanted to do since I was an incredibly young child, so I had doubts about my ability to do it. I was scared I would flake out like I have with so many other things, the clarinet being one of them. I was determined though, and I am proud of my progress. I feel more natural at the piano than while playing any other instrument. I'm determined to stick with it. BEETHOVEN OR BUST!!!

3) Facebook actually made a wonderful connection this year and frankly I think it is the most wonderful thing to ever come from this social network's algorithms. It actually suggested my Musing Through account to my new friend Melissa, that's how we met. We both live locally so we met up and started jamming together in February and this has turned into a great friendship and partnership. She has saved my musical muscle from atrophy during my 'recovery time'. I quite possibly would have put down my guitar had it not been for her and I am forever grateful.

4) I reconnected with my friend Leslie after she got out of rehab and together, I think, we helped keep each other together. However different, we were both going through a metamorphosis of sorts and our friendship was a much needed salve that helped our wounds heal faster than they would have alone. It was a symbiotic union from the start.

5) While my sister was in from South Korea in July we went to see Old Crow Medicine Show at Penn's Peak in Jim Thorpe. It was my third time seeing OCMS and it may have been the best!!

6) In July we went on our first REAL family vacation. I made my first Outer Banks trip and I now understand why SO many people proudly sport the OBX stickers. I had an intimate moment with a rising sun.

7) Leslie and I made a road trip to New York City to take my sister to the JFK Airport. While there, we went to the city for a visit and checked out the New York Public Library and bought some fedoras on the street!

8) Saw Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band!! BUCKET LIST EPIC!

9) I saw FLEETWOOD MAC!!! I can now die happy and have personal proof why everyone who underestimates Lindsey Buckingham can suck it!!

10) I attended my first Oak Mountain Hideaway House Concert and saw the son of icons, Ben Taylor. Got to meet him, have him sign some stuff, talk of life, and play a song on his guitar in what I like to refer to as The Ben Taylor Experience!! SURREAL!!

11) I have experienced a great deal of Spiritual Development and have, I think, come to better terms with my place in the world and my Life Purpose.

12) I have also experienced a great deal of emotional and psychological healing, due to therapy, drugs, art and writing. It's been a good year for expression.

13) While bored in early summer we came up with the "Scale of Promiscuity" that rates people according to their sexual activity. It is entirely too thorough and descriptive, with a scale for each sex and a name for each spot on the Scale. The trick is to unabashedly place yourself on the Scale, which is more of a spectrum, perhaps. Why?? Because boredom loves stupid.

14) I attended the 10th Annual and my first Greenwood Furnace Folk Gathering with my friend Melissa. It was a super fun camping weekend of music workshops and performances. It was one of the coolest things I've attended!

15) I started writing like a mother fucker!!! After being blocked for months and wondering if I would still be compelled to create while on meds, I had a huge creative burst during the second half of the year. I began to experiment extensively with iambic pentameter and writing in form, including Odes and Sonnets. I've filled up my 3 subject Life Liver's Log in around 5 months. I'm collecting tablets to use for LLL's in the colors of the spectrum and I want to go through the chakras. I'm still on Red for the Root!

And so, what have I done? It seems like a lot, considering. I've made some good connections and progress. It was an eventful year and it was a pretty good one. I am incredibly blessed and I feel that now more than ever. I am in a much better place this time around. Hopefully this year I can continue moving forward toward where I want to be. Here's to moving forward. Happy New Year!

Ode to Romance

Kiss me, per chance to dream,
We follow primal callings.
He's held captive by her words;
She is scared, only of falling.

Charming, gentle fellows never
rush on to the end.
He'll journey slowly toward his heart,
Finding pieces in friends.

Fantasy and fancy are what
gets her through the day,
Actions speak much louder than any
words that she could say.

"It's the thought that counts" is something
that is often said by fools.
But when they fall in love,
they almost always forget the rules. 

If thoughts are just a choice
and what's willed, then, is the feeling,
All that we may be is this romance
with which we're dealing. 

12-30-13

"What your mirror thinks of you..."

Sometimes I see you smile when you look into my eyes.
Sometimes I see you shaken when they're drowning from your cries. 

Sometimes I see you stare at nothing---and nothing stares you back.
Sometimes I see the emptiness and shame from what you lack.

I can not give to you what you do not give to me,
And what you are is only what you look at me and see. 

When we're alone, I see you thinking, dazed and solemnly,
I command attention, but you hate to look at me.

We are the same, you and I; your only freedom is to break me.
To you I'm bound and tied; I'm your reflection, you'll never shake me.

12-30-13

Floating in the Stream of Consciousness

In the air behind us our spirits intermingle as we are near.  They high-five, and groom each other and passionately kiss, each penetrating the other, swirling in the shape of infinity.  On the earth beside us our shadows throw sticks and stones and so we tread on shards of glass, carrying the weight until our feet leave a trail of blood that we'll follow back to where we began.

12-30-13

#1 Sonnet

I peer into the vacuum of our soul,
Inside your eyes I find a noble truth.
Wholeness becomes our first and only goal;
A fairytale discovered in our youth.

As children we began to play at love;
We never learned which rules were meant to break.
 I was the olive branch, and you the dove.
We always knew how much there was at stake.

Together we could write the song we hear;
Alone we will be pulled into the dark.
Aside from you, I have nothing to fear,
But you have never failed to miss your mark.

I've waited long for you to set me free;
The only freedom I need is from me.  

12-6-13

The Sacrifice of Joan of Arc: Burning for Change

"We set the night on fire!!" 
Well, not so much the night, but last night.  And not so much the night, but a tree.  Last night, we set the tree on fire; we burned a dead piece of pine in an attempt to symbolically release things we no longer want or need.  (You know me and symbolism.)  I think that there is much symbolism in the purification aspect of fire.  I wrote and learned about this earlier in the year as I burnt remnants of a cluttered past.  I decided that at the traditional yearly "Turkey Party" that my husband and I host we should burn our Christmas tree in a metaphorical sacrifice and we each could adorn it with our own symbolic ornament to send off into the ether, transmuting its energy for a new designated use.  Letting go of the old to make way for the new.

Earlier this year my husband and I watched St. Joan, a 1957 British-American film about Joan of Arc listening to the voices in her head and following a calling she had inside of her. The movie was haunting.  I was moved by the idea of her heart not burning.  I was moved to tears during the burning scene and consumed with trying to envision what it was actually like for her to burn on that stake for what she believed in as her flesh was boiled off into the ether.  Death is the ultimate form of transmutation, changing the form of our life force, sending our energy out and into the cosmos.  I believe in the power of transmutation and the power of personal symbolism.  Once fire eats something, be it pine or be it flesh, it is gone.

This year, for me, has been one of healing.  A year of therapy, a year of medication, but one of letting go of old patterns and behaviors.  At the very least the year birthed the recognition of my need to change and it conceived a damn good attempt at getting myself moving forward.  The recognition that chronic depression, anxiety, and self doubt were holding me back from reaching my full potential in every single aspect of my life was a fire in itself that took off and slowly began to consume and transform the negative qualities of my psyche.  Learning to trust in and stop doubting my own voices, instincts, and feelings is becoming easier after receiving professional validation for such things.  To quote the Beatles, "I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time..."

So, last night at Turkey Party after games and festivities the remainder of guests and us watched our woes burn away with our Christmas tree.  I cut out orange and red slips of construction paper and got out a trusted black Sharpie and we each wrote on the slips of paper what we wanted to surrender to the power of fire's purification and/or release.  Some had symbolic photos, some chose qualities or habits to write down.  I took an orange and a red strip of paper and assigned one to my Self Doubt.  On the other, in honor of my year of healing and the recognitions I have made, I surrendered "victim mentality/poor me/and all other sad ass excuses that keep me from reaching my full potential".  I think that about sums it up.  All of the energy we put into harboring negative thoughts and behaviors eats away at the precious time of our lives like a cancer.  If we transmuted that energy and used it for a better purpose we could transform our lives phenomenally.
So we all gathered together in new tradition and watched as this year's Toast Master lit this years Christmas tree, decorated with our ornaments of transmutation, on fire.  It turns out negative energy burns like pine, fast and hot.  For a few momentous minutes, before us stood a pillar of fire as our woes and words burned off into the sparks that flew out toward the darkness of night sky.  The heat was intense, and I blinked away the tears.  It was magnificent.  The intensity was only momentary.  I thought about Joan of Arc dying this way, in pain as her flesh melted away.  Dying this way so we would remember that life is precious and no matter the consequences we should listen to our inner voice(s) and follow our calling.  Obstacles be damned; life is short.  All earthly things are transitory. Tradition is an important tribute to the constant in the chaos, almost as important as the symbolism we use.  The pillar of fire quickly turned into a tower of sparks and soon, from all of our worries, all that was left were the skeletal remains of our sacrificial tree.  I could still make out her silhouette by the hot glowing embers on the charred wooden lumbar of her spine.  We all stood in silence for a few glorious seconds lost in our own hopes, thoughts, and dreams until she finally fell over.  We had released the energies of 2013.  Would the symbolic burning of these things really be a catalyst for the changes that we crave?  This new year shall see.  Bring on 2014!!

Ode to Christmas

Early morning risers with eyes full of joy,
Wake from their restless slumber with a yawn.
Anticipating that long awaited toy;
They want their presents at the crack of dawn.

Again the family gathers, for it's that time of year,
From far away they return to their homes.
We feast and laugh, exchanging Christmas cheer,
Reminding each other we're not alone. 

Giving or getting, there's no time like the present.
Inside our hearts we find the greatest gift.
Tradition reminds us when memories lay dormant,
And bind us tightly, as through time we drift.

Cunnilingus Sonnet

Between my legs he finds himself at home,
I run my fingers through his golden locks.
For, in these thoughts I know I'm not alone.
He knocks me out of my white cotton socks.

His velvet tongue against my open door;
No need to knock so I just show him in.
His mouth is hot and I'm aching for more. 
The space between our lips is paper thin.

A roller coaster ride, I'm at the top;
Rhythmic Kashmir waves urge me ahead.
It's harvest time and I'm the only crop.
I reap what he has sewn inside my bed. 

As energies increase, I hold my breath,
For this is what they call "the little death".

12-15-13

Heroic Couplets in Iambic Pentameter

I feel you in the night when I'm alone.
To me, your heart will always be my home.

Into the skies of your mind I will soar.
The fire of your thoughts I will restore. 

The graves of our twin souls remain upturned;
There's no forgetting the truth that we learned.

There is no drying tears that we must cry;
There is no "hello" without a "goodbye".

I'll choke on your name until I can't breathe.
And after I'm dead I'll still never leave.

There is a place inside me where you live,
And you will take from me all I will give.

Ode to the Lost

Silenced before your mother could meet you;
Forever lost in her chest.
Taken before this cruel world could greet you;
Gruesomely snatched from her breast.

Eternally innocent, suspended in time;
An ending from the beginning. 
Your words are lost in reality's rhyme;
Your light is constantly dimming. 

Your spirit whispers into deaf ears;
You linger in mem'ries and thoughts.
The thread of your life still weaves through the years;
Continually hidden, perpetually sought. 

12/5/13

Tannenbaum Sonnet

Evergreen, how long will she be standing?
I sit here staring, basking in her light.
Within her limbs survives understanding.
Somehow she brings the day into the night.

She holds a song written before her birth;
Inside her voice is housed a solemn tune.
You'd never break her value or self worth.
She'll take your breath away under the moon.

Adorned with silver 'cicles and a star,
Her earrings sparkle as bright as her crown.
Her ornaments highlight her hidden charms;
The gifts below her skirt can break you down.

Mother Nature gives a lovely show.
Her needles stick you when you hold her, though.  

Laundromat Sonnet

Today I went to town to wash my clothes;
Covered in piss, those sheets still needed cleaned.
Industrial strength washers in a row,
The silver shining drums inside them gleamed.

With quarters in a bag, clothes sorted out,
My underwear and bra fall to the floor.
For me it's all for All, no Tide or Shout, 
I launder my stains as I watch the door.

The rain outside reminds me of your heart;
The steady beat upon the pavement speaks.
The dryers drone on like they've come apart.
I haven't washed my soiled sheets in weeks.

Blood stains fade after a wash and rinse.
You cut me and I haven't seen you since. 

12-6,7-13

First Kiss in Present Tense

In a Christmas kitchen he beckons me into the dark, and pulls me to him with a sense of entitlement, a sense of juvenile urgency, a seriousness you possess only before your heart has felt the lashings of the world, when exploration is still the only destination, as if it was his sole duty to seduce me.

With red and white confections still crushed between his teeth, he seeks out my lips and parts them smoothly with his cool peppermint tongue.

He feels like menthol velvet as we meet like high tide to the sand.  Slowly I melt into his mouth, matching the movements of these lapping waves of youth, tasting the ecstatic new found sweetness of his candy cane kisses.

(From the perspective of my T.V.)

I am flat against the wall, and at the mercy of your hand.
I show you what you want to see, changing for you on demand. 

Flashing scenes before my eyes, you pick the one that suits you.
Although, I never am surprised you stick to those you're used to.

You turn me on and off with ease; you push all of my buttons.
Your fingertips will always tease; for your touch I am a glutton.

Your constant stare leaves me uneasy, I can not turn away.
I watch you watching me watching you, you have nothing to say. 

12-4-13

Ode to the Ride

To and fro, an in betweener,
The road is ever long.
Perfect, though, for the dreamer,
Writing down her song.

Far and winding, through the mist,
The bumpy path unfolds.
Turning sharply through every twist,
I gaze at suns of gold.

For, most seek the destination
More often than the journey,
But lose appreciation
For the ride while in a hurry.

Ode to Showers

Oh, liquid heat flowing over flesh,
Cleanse my soiled form.
Trickle down my bare breasts,
As steamed visions are born.

Warm my thoughts, uplift my Soul,
Burn kisses down my arms.
Reveal the Self beneath the Ache;
Exploring concealed charms.

Fingers down my back caress,
The length of my icy spine.
The pain inside my bones, compressed,
With scalding love, subsides.

- October 7, 2013