I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I want a renaissance. So many of my energies now are just reverberating ripples of shit that I experienced in childhood, adolescence and high school even. The worse times and hardships are obviously focused on. I need to burn the sage through the house of my mind. I want to inspire myself again. I want to be muse-ical. I seemed so young and naïve and troubled as a teen but I also seemed so full of passion and energy and spirit, so fresh and alive, so many hopes and dreams. What ever happened to that girl?
I have a theory that if I surround myself with the positive things of that era it will tap into that feeling from the past. It’s just a theory, most of my theories are ludicrous, I understand, but I was thinking about how powerful music is and how it psychologically triggers emotions from the time that we remember it from. Memory is amazing; we can remember the lyrics to a song we haven’t heard in YEARS and we can forget simple things from our daily life. It’s really quite baffling to me. BUT my theory – if I could just tap into the Missie Sue that wasn’t scared of failure, that knew there was something special going on and believed in the magical world and other ridiculous concepts before reality shat on her soul.
Renaissance, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: “…2. …a movement or period of vigorous artistic and intellectual activity.” That sounds like just what I need. If I could just tap into that energy from my past, maybe I can pick up where I left off? Maybe I can get that girl back? Maybe I can see what she wanted to say? I understand I am so much wiser than she ever was, but I also think I have lost touch with something she tapped into far more easily than I. I’m delving into the subconscious this year. I’ve been swimming in there for years, but I mostly stay to the shallow end. I need to give ‘er a good leap off of the old diving board, hands clasped together, head tucked. I need to see what’s down there. I’ve been stirring up the waters, but I need to shine some light on the proverbial watering hole, down to the pith.
Step one is surrounding myself in nostalgia I suppose. Symbolism is important to the mind, especially to mine I reckon. I’ve been trying to tap into the music that sustained me at the time, but that’s going to be difficult while still clinging to the music that is sustaining me now. Baby steps. I also installed ICQ. I’m taking it back. It was one of the coolest things about my youth – exploring communication. I don’t know if this makes sense. I don’t know anything anymore, honestly, if I get down to MY pith. My pith is deep and a little dark but in the spirit of adventure and reclamation I set out on one of the most critical years of my journey. I’ve tended to this wound enough, let’s see if she can stand - and dare I say, walk again.
I’m continuing on the Vision Quest(ion) that is my life this year. I’m trudging on ahead, musing along the way, stepping back – stepping forward. Stepping sideways I hope all the while just to keep that perspective open. “For good and for real…for good and for real.”
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