Sunday, January 8, 2012

I've Been Toddlarlized!

First Time Mother of One Reports Recent String of Harmless Burglaries

Drifting, Pa.  Cooper Township Author-ities report that an area first time mother has recently started to suspect that her home has been the target of some puzzling and seemingly meaningless burglaries.  Allegedly, last Monday morning shortly after leaving her 16 month old  toddler daughter in the dining area of her home to reportedly “sneak in a quick pee”, Melissa Hoover of Drifting, Penna., 31, returned to find the room “in complete shambles”.  The entire floor was reportedly covered in Teddy Puffs and papers and other items were thrown around the room aimlessly.  Mrs. Hoover is perplexed by the occurrence.  “I just can’t imagine what is happening.  Nothing of great importance ever seems to be disturbed.  The safe hasn’t ever been touched, and neither have my purse or our credit cards, but I am always finding stupid things like all of the pillows thrown off of the couch, and one time I even found all of my bandanas and hats scattered across my dining room and kitchen floors!   Why would somebody do that?”  Mrs. Hoover has stated to Author-ities that the most terrifying thing is to think that these break-ins are occurring right in front of her daughter.  The Hoovers are relieved that the suspect apparently has no interest in abducting children, as after each incident their daughter has been left unharmed in the middle of the room, reportedly looking shocked and wide-eyed.  “It’s almost as if she’s so shocked she’s kinda like – smiling and smirking at the same time!” says Melissa.  

Mrs. Hoover, upon experiencing the recent string of burglaries and odd acts of vandalism, has allegedly filed a complaint with “anybody that will listen”.  Eye witnesses we have spoken to stated that they have noticed some different behavior at the home over the past 4 to 6 months.  A family friend noted that the Hoover’s living area has been “completely trashed lately” during recent visits and that the Hoover’s daughter, Cecilia Ruth, has seemed to appear “cuter than ever” when her mother leaves the room.  All remote controls in the home are reported to be currently missing as are one phone handset, the spare set of car keys, one left boot and also two left, and five right socks.  There are also supposedly up to “5 to 6 binks out there somewhere.”  A search party made up of local volunteers was sent out last weekend in hopes of retrieving some of the missing items, only to return empty handed and one party member short.  A missing persons report has been filed with local authorities, although hopes of locating him seem grim, as an area Drifting resident states “nobody has seen the guy.” 

Another noted incident was said to have occurred this past Thursday when, after having finished feeding her daughter dinner and given the toddler her cup of milk to drink, she quickly exited the room to throw her daughter’s clothes in the hamper.  Approximately, “15 seconds, maybe” later when the victim returned, she found her daughter standing in a puddle of milk and her empty cup with the lid still on it on the floor beside her.  The Hoovers tell Author-ities that apparently the person must have entered the residence after Mrs. Hoover left the room and exited again before she was able to walk back in.  “Whoever it is, they are pretty fast,” Joseph Hoover, 33, reports.  “What kind of person would take milk from a baby?!”

Trying not to cry over spilled milk; Mrs. Hoover attempted to analyze the situation with logic, stating, “I just can’t imagine what else could be happening.  The only reoccurring factor each time is my poor shocked daughter!  But - look at her.  She’s so cute.  I mean, why would she want to spill her milk on the floor and toss her cup down?  And I mean, the cup has a spill proof lid!  Obviously unless you were to suck out the milk and then spit it onto the floor, the perpetrator would had to have removed the lid, dumped the milk, and then replaced the lid again!  My daughter isn’t capable of doing something requiring that much manual dexterity.  She’s just a baby!”  The Hoovers also claim to have found overturned and destroyed plants on occasion, stating that one evening after bath time an entire box of tissues was emptied on the living room floor in front of their daughter and the next morning Melissa reportedly found “two wooden blocks, some plastic rings and the door to Celie’s Fischer Price barn” in the kitchen sink.  

Cecilia will reportedly turn 17 months old this month on the 26th.  Her parents both claim that it “seems like just a few months ago” that they came home from the hospital with their first child.  A little voice in Mrs. Hoover’s head reports that she needs to both “face reality” and “get her game on.”  No word has been heard on the missing search party member.  When questioned about their burglarized home, Cecilia Ruth, 16 mos., stated, “Mannya dee tees!  Du du meeeeeee!  Gack gack!”  So far, as of the time of this report, none of the missing items have turned up.  Local Author-ities claim the unknown suspect is still at large.  They alert local residents that the suspect is apparently very fast, possibly very short, being able to fit into tiny spaces, and more than likely has small sticky hands.  Residents are reminded to be cautious during any possible encounters and to alert Author-ities with any leads.    

Chief Life Humorist, Missie Sue

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