'Not Giving a Fuck is Awesome!'

Monday, January 30, 2012
What new thing did you begin this past weekend?

What new thing?  I don’t think anything new.  I think it has been the same old same old, but maybe that’s entirely wrong.  The problem:  people care too much.  I am becoming more and more consumed with the “Who gives a fuck?” mentality.  Not in a self destructive way (mostly) but in an open attempt to regain something of myself I might have lost, because in the end, if you really believe we only have one life?  I mean…fuck it, right?  Who was it…Janis Joplin that said something like, “You’ve got to be true to yourself, because in the end your self is all you’ve got.”  I think somewhere down my road I haven’t been true to myself.  I think that’s why I’m tortured, unless I’m just destined to be forever tortured.  A tortured, tormented, twisted mind.  Yep.  That’s me, alright. 

Trudge trudge trudge.  I try to walk through quick sand but it brings me down.  I try to push my way past things, see the forest through the trees.  What new thing did I begin?  NOT CARING if I am crazy.  Actually, yes – sort of.  I’ve tried loosening my hold on caring.  Multiple epiphanies really get me off daily, but I had this one the one day…man.  It was a doozy.  And it was a long, hard one.  A light switch.  An acceptance.  A realization.

I might be crazy – but is that such a bad thing?  I’m trying to “cure” myself?  I’m trying to be “normal”? What is normal? Overrated people, trying to be different.  A group of people too scared to be themselves?  I’ve always been pressured to do this, because I think I was convinced it was wrong.  Oh, you know, everything, my way of thinking, acting, seeing, being.  But is it?  Wrong.  What is that even?  Can’t define it, can you?  Because it’s all subjective.  Life is subjective.  And life is unpredictable.  We try to make sense of things and have this little line we follow and a path and all this shit, but what is it in the end?  Monotony.  Droning monotony.  A droning monotony of an existence?   There’s my Miss Anthrope.   I’ve missed you. (self hug)  Why do I remember having thoughts about the monotony of life around the age of 12?  I mean, I thought kids were supposed to be happy go lucky and there I was concerned about the cold war and worrying that life was just a meaningless string of bullshit and lies.  I guess I’ve always been misanthropic.  I guess I’ve always been tortured.  I guess this is who I am? 

I was talking to my friend at the bar the other day and we were discussing life and its bittersweetness at one point.  Everything is like that, it seems; bitter and sweet, simultaneously.  And if you think about it, it really makes sense.  Yin and Yang.  Good and bad.  Positive and negative.  The whole of life is the good and the bad, the Yin and the Yang.  You can’t have the Bitter without the Sweet or the Sweet without the Bitter? 

I think most of man’s spiritual dilemma can be traced back to the fact that we struggle with control issues.  Our mind is programmed to create order out of chaos.  When you really get down to the heart of it, nothing in this world makes sense, so we seek it.  We seek things that make sense to us, that have some order.  But we want to control the order.  We can’t accept that maybe we don’t have control over everything?  It’s just that losing control is such a scary thing, isn’t it?  But recently I have come to terms with the fact that there are just simply some things we can not control.  I can control my actions and responses to things, but I can’t control these things in and unto themselves.  I can control my actions, I am told I can even control my thoughts maybe (let me know!)??, but I can’t control my emotions or my feelings.  (Or can I?)  I can only ride the waves.  I can only control the surf, control the direction of my effort.  You can’t change these waves, you can only ride them.    

I digress.  My point, if I had one, would be – I can’t be myself without accepting the crazy and riding the crazy wave.  I’m soul surfing some gnarly waves of psycho.  If my mind was given to me by whatever gave it to me, and I’m meant to give it to something – to give it back, to complete the circuit.  My soul is just trying to complete the circuit.  So I’ll just give in - and go with the flow.  And when you do that, what’s to be, they say will be.  Maybe we aren’t really in control anyway?  Who gives a fuck who is steering?  We’re just back seat driving off the cliff...

[This title was taken from the Jon Lajoie video "Not Giving a Fuck."  If you haven't seen that one, I highly suggest YTing it.]