BOOK REVIEW: Finding Body Peace

Body Prayers: Finding Body Peace by Rebecca Radcliffe is a short little book about body image and self-worth. It deals with denying the societal pressure to base your self-esteem on your personal appearance while also accepting and loving your body. It's written in an interesting format and is a little cheesy but was still an inspiring read.

When I first started the book, I didn't like it much. The majority of the book is a series of journal-like entries on each page and they start off as pretty negative. My first thought was geez, this is making me feel terrible and these thoughts are so pathetic and sad but then I realized I could easily be reading some of my own journal pages. I have to say that after I reached this conclusion, reading through the book actually made me feel less alone in my feelings.

Each journal-like entry is paired with a snippet of statistical information on the top of the page about societal weight issues, media, and body image. In a way, the writings are responding to these. They all start off pretty negative, but as I kept reading I enjoyed it more as the author started to unabashedly deny the societal view and spoke more encouragingly about her body. Again, I found this was inspiring as it is pretty much where I find myself now. 

The last part of the book is a collection of women's prayers, poems, and affirmations. Again, a little cheesy, but there were some good morsels in there. All in all, I would say this book was an inspiring read and I'm sure I got something out of it even if it wasn't life changing. It's incredibly short, at only 136 pages, so I'd say read it. I will probably read some of the passages from this book again sometime. I would probably give this book 3 stars, but it is worth a read if you struggle with body image. 

Flower Power: Self-Love for the Soul

These are my beautiful flowers that a secret admirer bought me.  I love flowers.  I love the metaphors, the fragrances, the petals, the blooms.  A bouquet effectively cheers my Spirit when on my kitchen counter, especially when I lay eyes on it while dragging myself out of slumber in the morning, or during a capital B Bad day when I'm stressed or having anxiety issues I can literally stop and smell the flowers, and just admire them. This helps keep me focused on gratitude and reflecting on the good things. Sometimes it's hard to remain positive. A colorful and fragrant flower can help. Don't they do this for everyone?  Does it matter who the flowers came from? Should it matter that the secret admirer....is my Self?

Last week I had what I guess you could call a regression of sorts, if we are speaking in recovery terms. I had a mini depressive episode that really made me reflect on the major depressive episode I had at the end of 2012 that lasted over 3 months and landed me in therapy and on pills and on the journey I find myself on now. It really threw me back into that state that I was in during that Dark Night of the Soul, and I was really able to physically feel how much I have mentally, emotionally and spiritually progressed. After getting through that drag of time, I figured I could use a little cheer.

After I started trying to basically be better to my Self and start to swing back against the blows of Depression (capital.fucking.D), I started to buy myself flowers. It might sound pathetic, or sound bad for my husband, but it's honestly not. My husband is a good man, but he's not always home to present me with such things and isn't the greatest at surprising me with tokens of his affection. I can count my bouquets from my husband in ten years probably on one hand still? Although, the ones that I have bought for myself (albeit still bought with his hard earned money) I'm pretty sure I would need both hands for...and maybe a foot? About a year ago I started to randomly grab flower arrangements for myself when I was out shopping. $5 usually, sometimes even up to $10 if I am feeling the need. Once a month, or every other. Is that really so much to spend on the health of your Spirit? I'll tell my husband, "You got me beautiful flowers this week, thank you so much, babe!" Funny...and true.

There isn't always going to be someone there to bring me flowers, so I'll get my Self some. What is your Soul worth? Flowers were probably the first things of beauty valued by man. They are so fleeting, so delicate, so bright. They involve all 5 senses if you eat them and chew loudly, right? They are a wonderful positive stimulus for the senses and that crosses over into positive energy for the Soul. Bouquets help to bring a little color to your day when the Gray has got you down. There is power in the flower.

Habits: Breaking VS. Making

Shining the sink is the FlyLady habit of the month for January.  I've attempted to make this little FlyHabit infiltrate my daily routine before but it didn't take.  I've decided this is the perfect opportunity to try again.  Why?  Because, let's face it, this habit makes sense!  One thing I've learned that helps ward off depression is dragging your sorry ass out of bed to stare a shining sink in the face.  You know what it means??  There are NO fucking dishes to do right off the bat. A sink full of dirty dishes never helps you want to 'come to' in the morning or afternoon or evening, especially when depressed.  Why not look out for your tired, cranky, low mood morning self by setting her up for a better outlook? An ounce of prevention, they say. What it is supposed to symbolize in a FlyLady sense is your self love.  A big smiling face of an EMPTY sink.  That's like a made bed in the morning, it's the start of a not so terrible day.  It's a great symbol of the power of habits. Surely, if that sink could greet me every morning, empty and shining, it would help me accomplish more in a day and ward off the blues?  Surely?!?!  Surely.  If I could ONLY make it a habit, but habits can be almost as hard to make as they are to break.  Habits, good or bad, are also those things that will make you or break you.

It is said that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. There isn't much validity to this statement; while true for some, it takes everyone's neural pathways a different length of time to form or forget or whatever they do. Also, longstanding habits have carved out deeper pathways than new developing ones. The data can't prove it really takes 21 days, but if you can maintain something that long it's probably safe to say you're on your way to success.

The things that we do repeatedly without effort in our routine are the things that will make us a success or a failure. Brushing your teeth, showering, taking care of yourself, these are all good habits. NOT doing those things is a bad habit, either way, they effect your quality of life. If I am chronically dehydrated because every day I am falling incredibly short of my intake needs plus drinking mostly coffee on top of that just to keep up the illusion that I have enough energy to complete my daily duties, then I am continually failing in other areas in my life and this is most definitely affecting my overall strength, stamina, and determination...crippling any REAL chances of success. A dehydrated brain can work at a rate comparable to one that has lost an entire night of sleep. One daily habit could be a big snowball in the avalanche of factors that cause us to continually fall short. It's incredible how everything effects everything else in some way. Can't think right; can't get right!

Habits are hard to break, no matter what they are. Your brain builds neural pathways when you pick up a habit and the longer you've had it or been indulging in the behavior, the stronger that pathway is. Maybe it's more like a highway. How do you shut down a highway with that much traffic on it? What happens to those vehicles using the highway once you shut it down? It's just closed, but that concrete road is still there. It's still a perfectly good road....and those vehicles are going to try like hell to get back on that highway, because it gets them where they want to go. You need to keep the road closed long enough that the vehicles turn around or get lost!! Odds are that roadway in your brain will always be there, which is why people can stop smoking for years and then be undone by sending one car down that nicotine highway. BAM! Open for traffic!

It's perhaps a little easier to start construction on a new highway, but still is quite the daunting task. I've been consumed with habits. I've been perpetually obsessed with perfecting my daily routine, because therein lays your success or failure. But I guess if succeeding was easy, everyone would be doing it. It's hard for all of us.

I need to shine the sink, so that it can be a daily reminder of my determination and love for myself. I need to make it a habit. I need to make drinking adequate water a habit, so that it comes naturally, because that is the first step in giving my body the sustenance and love that it desperately needs.

What good habits do you have? What are your bad ones?

A Whole New Year: Here's To Me

"And so this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."
To quote John Lennon, "what have you done?"  Have you made the most of this year?  Are you a better "you" than you were a year ago?  I was thinking about the state I was in a year ago and the state I find myself in now.  I can't believe that an entire year has flown by, but upon reflecting I can see the time and changes.  2013 saw some good stuff!  I started off in bad spirits, but this year has seen more personal growth in me than possibly any other.  Like the phoenix out of her ashes, I too have risen out of the pit I found myself in at the end of 2012.  Mind, Body, and Soul, I feel that I have come a long way in 2013.  I have gained insights and a new perspective through my experiences this year that I hope will help me to continue to progress as well in 2014. 

Last year I was too depressed to get a Christmas tree.  I simply didn't give a shit, about most things at the time, but especially for anything that seemed more of a pain than it was worth to me.  This year, even though I didn't decorate it and it was obtained in the easiest way possible, we actually had a tree.  I think that was a step in the right direction, even if the Christmas spirit was more so forced, it was there, nonetheless. And that was symbolic of my recovery, even if I feel I should perhaps be a little farther along on my journey after a year of therapy and medication, a lot of other things have happened this year that have shaped me.

1) I started therapy shortly after the first of the year in 2013. After how things went with Doc X I was so scared I would get a Bible thumping therapist who wouldn't 'get me'. One of the best things that happened was me being referred to my therapist, who I love. She, being an art therapist, understands my artistic mind, we have built up a good report, and this relationship has been key to the success of my progress in many areas of my life. With her I switched from Lexapro to Prozac for an SSRI to help with my seratonin levels and then started on Wellbutrin and discovered how wonderful dopamine can be.

2) I started taking piano lessons in March and it's amazing how I feel about it. It was sort of a symbolic make up for childhood thing that coincided with therapy. It was for my self worth, to feel that I am someone that deserves to and is worth piano lessons. I was entirely more nervous than you would think starting, especially considering a friend of mine is giving me the lessons. I think it's just because I want it so bad. This is something that I have wanted to do since I was an incredibly young child, so I had doubts about my ability to do it. I was scared I would flake out like I have with so many other things, the clarinet being one of them. I was determined though, and I am proud of my progress. I feel more natural at the piano than while playing any other instrument. I'm determined to stick with it. BEETHOVEN OR BUST!!!

3) Facebook actually made a wonderful connection this year and frankly I think it is the most wonderful thing to ever come from this social network's algorithms. It actually suggested my Musing Through account to my new friend Melissa, that's how we met. We both live locally so we met up and started jamming together in February and this has turned into a great friendship and partnership. She has saved my musical muscle from atrophy during my 'recovery time'. I quite possibly would have put down my guitar had it not been for her and I am forever grateful.

4) I reconnected with my friend Leslie after she got out of rehab and together, I think, we helped keep each other together. However different, we were both going through a metamorphosis of sorts and our friendship was a much needed salve that helped our wounds heal faster than they would have alone. It was a symbiotic union from the start.

5) While my sister was in from South Korea in July we went to see Old Crow Medicine Show at Penn's Peak in Jim Thorpe. It was my third time seeing OCMS and it may have been the best!!

6) In July we went on our first REAL family vacation. I made my first Outer Banks trip and I now understand why SO many people proudly sport the OBX stickers. I had an intimate moment with a rising sun.

7) Leslie and I made a road trip to New York City to take my sister to the JFK Airport. While there, we went to the city for a visit and checked out the New York Public Library and bought some fedoras on the street!

8) Saw Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band!! BUCKET LIST EPIC!

9) I saw FLEETWOOD MAC!!! I can now die happy and have personal proof why everyone who underestimates Lindsey Buckingham can suck it!!

10) I attended my first Oak Mountain Hideaway House Concert and saw the son of icons, Ben Taylor. Got to meet him, have him sign some stuff, talk of life, and play a song on his guitar in what I like to refer to as The Ben Taylor Experience!! SURREAL!!

11) I have experienced a great deal of Spiritual Development and have, I think, come to better terms with my place in the world and my Life Purpose.

12) I have also experienced a great deal of emotional and psychological healing, due to therapy, drugs, art and writing. It's been a good year for expression.

13) While bored in early summer we came up with the "Scale of Promiscuity" that rates people according to their sexual activity. It is entirely too thorough and descriptive, with a scale for each sex and a name for each spot on the Scale. The trick is to unabashedly place yourself on the Scale, which is more of a spectrum, perhaps. Why?? Because boredom loves stupid.

14) I attended the 10th Annual and my first Greenwood Furnace Folk Gathering with my friend Melissa. It was a super fun camping weekend of music workshops and performances. It was one of the coolest things I've attended!

15) I started writing like a mother fucker!!! After being blocked for months and wondering if I would still be compelled to create while on meds, I had a huge creative burst during the second half of the year. I began to experiment extensively with iambic pentameter and writing in form, including Odes and Sonnets. I've filled up my 3 subject Life Liver's Log in around 5 months. I'm collecting tablets to use for LLL's in the colors of the spectrum and I want to go through the chakras. I'm still on Red for the Root!

And so, what have I done? It seems like a lot, considering. I've made some good connections and progress. It was an eventful year and it was a pretty good one. I am incredibly blessed and I feel that now more than ever. I am in a much better place this time around. Hopefully this year I can continue moving forward toward where I want to be. Here's to moving forward. Happy New Year!

Ode to Showers

Oh, liquid heat flowing over flesh,
Cleanse my soiled form.
Trickle down my bare breasts,
As steamed visions are born.

Warm my thoughts, uplift my Soul,
Burn kisses down my arms.
Reveal the Self beneath the Ache;
Exploring concealed charms.

Fingers down my back caress,
The length of my icy spine.
The pain inside my bones, compressed,
With scalding love, subsides.

- October 7, 2013

Writer's Block and Compelling Tells

I have been meaning to finish up so many writing 'projects' for the longest time but I just haven't been feeling it.  Scrawled words emerge from time to time on random substrates, but I have been distanced from my writer's mind for some time.  Well, not the mind, just the motion.  Lines pop into my head as usual, but I don't grab a pen.  I let them fall to the bottom of my mind, and figure if the words were that good...they would come back to me.  Some do, some don't. That's the funny thing about words.

I like to have my trusty Moleskine with me, and it is usually in my purse, but I've been using it only for concert noting on the go, as of late.  I've been lost in thought instead of words.  The truth is I have dozens of journals and notebooks...aching for words.  Blank pages scream at me from every corner of my space, but I have not felt compelled to touch them.  I've been lost in instruments more so, but have been lax with that as well, until last week when I was compelled to pick up my Alvarez for three days straight.  Being compelled is another funny thing.  It's almost like a program in your brain you have to follow; you are driven to carry out the mission.  I just didn't seem to want to do anything else, so I just went with it...and let the housework back up.  My bathroom paid, but I was rewarded.  It lasted three straight days and then waned.  It felt good.  Sometimes, I am just compelled to do things and it feels best to just go with it.

So, today while I was in the store for a few things, I was compelled to buy a notebook and pens.  Stationery.  It should be known that I have a thing for stationery; I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame.  I wander away from my husband at the site of the paper aisle in a store.  I am ridiculous in Staples.  It's borderline fetish.  Okay, I don't feverishly rub composition books on my genitals, or anything, (although if it was a leather bound journal, now...) there is just nothing like a fresh tablet and brand new pens! So, even though I know I have plenty of notebooks of every size and color, I for some reason felt I needed to purchase a small 3 subject Mead notebook and a pack of pens that claimed they were 'The smoothest in the world!'  The Bic Velocity. Good pen.  Smooth.

I felt compelled and went with it and got the tablet and pens.  If my Self says she wants a tablet on a whim, then what does that say?  What deeper tells does my spirit show?  Perhaps that she is ready to write again.  Perhaps that she wants new paper...for her new words.  Or...perhaps she is just a fetishist after all.  Let's see what she is compelled to do with it.

Growing Pains

Engaging is hard work.  It takes time, it takes patience.  It's an art.  Sometimes, what you need to do is disengage. 
Everyone has their own issues.
It's hard to focus on others while trying to maintain and heal yourself.
It can really seem selfish.  Accept it. Everyone needs to be okay with being a healthy amount of selfish.  Everyone needs to take time for the Self.  It's nobody's job to make you happy; it is your own responsibility.  Nobody can do it for you.  The dirty work is yours.  Do it for yourself, in your own way, however it is you heal.
Nobody will stop to hear you talk about your story because they're too caught up in writing their own? Write it.  Write it out long hand, page by page, word by word.  Bleed it out like from an opened vein and put the pain to rest.

13 Fedoras, My Painted Face, and Endless Assumptions

The 13th Fedora!

It has been about a year since I purchased my black and white checkerboard fedora for myself.  I have dug hats in general much of my life, my dad seemed to always be sporting some fun head wear with or without a feather in it when I was younger.  Actually, hats did always seem to be on his head, but one of the main reasons for this was that he had no hair on the top of it.  Combine this with all of the outside work he did and he never would have stayed warm in the winter without his staple hunter orange beanie cap.  I learned the importance of head gear for warmth through him and over 8 years ago started to wear winter hats to save my body heat.  It worked magically, perhaps because my hair isn't so thick itself.  I felt so cold whenever I was without my hat.  It's funny how used to something you can grow.  When I adopted the fedora, or rather, when it adopted me, my constant wear produced the same separation anxiety when I was without.  I feel naked without one now.  I have half of my collection stacked in the living room and it is the last thing I put on when I am getting ready to go, and the first thing I take off when I return.  I have quite a few now; last year I got one for different events or occasions and happened upon some at other times that simply couldn't be rejected.  I often waited until they were on clearance and for awhile only paid $3 on average for most of them.  Today, I think the average is up to $7.  A few of them I received as gifts.  My parents got me one for Christmas, and my sister brought me one back from Korea that I can't wait to rock out this summer!  In all I have collected about a dozen fedoras in the last year. That's roughly one a month; not too shabby!  Recently, my friend Christal gave me my thirteenth fedora for a just because gift just because she is awesome like that.  It was my first official animal print fedora, which I find quite fitting.  And it was lucky number thirteen as well!

It is actually a rather breathable warm-weather fedora made of a mesh paper blend; not quite as warm as my black felt that I was already wearing the night Christal presented me with it, but I put it on when I picked her up for our mild Sunday night out.  Snazzy zebra stripes! She said I looked like Bret Michaels, but at least it wasn't a turban. I obviously don't mind looking ridiculous, as per my own definition of the word, that is.  Sometimes in public I forget that I am wearing a fedora because I generally do and am puzzled when people stare more than usual.  The same happens with my lip stick.  I forget my lips are bright red so you'd swear I was dressed for Halloween or something? It's just a hat; it's just lip stick!  I'm not the only woman to wear a fedora, they sell them at Walmart for fuck sake!

I don't necessarily enjoy the attention but I like being different because I like being myself.  There is a difference.  I was applying my trusted long lasting lip stick for a night out a few weeks ago and a male friend said all girls who wear make up as such do it for attention.  I FEEL I NEED TO MAKE A POINT!  Perhaps, I told him, I enjoy the angles of my face, I find them aesthetically pleasing, even.  Perhaps I even enjoy the contrast of the bright color against my pale flesh.  Painting a face is much like painting a portrait, only 3D and in makeup.  It's a very personal ritual, face painting.  Just because I wear a fedora and red lip stick doesn't mean I want the attention of every Tom Dickin' Creeper at the bar.  My make up is self love, it's me enjoying my femininity.  I'm sorry, but ironically, that has absolutely nothing to do with men!  My fedora is a form of self expression.  So, I'm just another poor girl 'asking for it' if I brighten my lips or wear a shiny hat?  Because I could only possibly be doing it for some outward form of attention?  Well, some women do, I give you that.  They build themselves up by the amount of attention they get from others.  That is how they feel loved.  This doesn't hold true for every woman.  The fact is, you have no idea what a woman is "asking for" unless you ask her.   In most cases, she probably isn't asking for anything!! Maybe that's your problem, men.  You assume too much.  Far far too much.

Regardless, the fedora does get some attention, not me.  It's like a tail, it has a personality of its own.  It has a fan base, some good, some bad.  I had one man tell me once that his friend told him that you have to "embrace the fedora".  That has stuck with me and remains one of my favorite found quotes.  Some man approached me and asked to buy my new fedora that night.  He apparently was a Bret Michaels fan.  A different night another man took it off of my head and proceeded to louse it up for me.  How dare you!  Another time, some drunk offered me a dollar to trade my shiny faux denim fedora for his ratty ass ball cap?  The nerve, the gall and the assumption!  I haven't lost one yet, and I'm proud of that.  Lay off the hat, you crazy Bret Michaels fans.  I'm expressing myself, over here!

Would you believe I have already moved on to number 14?  

Fedorin',

Missie Sue