Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Letter to Kenny Rogers

Dear Kenny Rogers,

Listen here, you drunk.  I think you’re kinda cool and all, I appreciate everything you do, but first off, 1.) those white suits are a little showy.  2.) You gotta leave my girl Dolly alone; I think we both know who’s the wiser.  And 3.) for the record, you can never never never never never sing We’ve Got Tonight the way that Bob Seger does.  You sing like you're trying to lure innocent women to the seclusion of your dressing room, or unsuspecting men to the bathroom.  Bob Seger coos out those words in a voice that he carved himself, like a man - out of silver and clouds, and a little bit of stone, and a dollop of butter cream.  He enunciates what needs to be enunciated, and slurs just what needs slurring.  He croons when he needs to croon.  I have heard Bob Seger sing that song approximately 10, 456 times!  My brain knows every vocal gesture, each rise and fall, each peak, each drop.  And who the hell do you think you are, Kenny Rogers??  You don’t even sing it right!  I mean, you can’t change one of the most important lines of a song and smugly sing it with multiple interchanging women and think you’re just going to get laid and paid!  Oh, what?  You can?  ‘Cause you’re Kenny Rogers?  WTF, Kenny Rogers??  Straighten up!  Quit singin’ it wrong!


A Critic

P.S. I have never eaten your chicken. I might be missing out on the best part of your legacy here. Chicken and music.  Chicken and music.

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