Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Discovery, Journals, and My Selfish Inner Exploration

I like to think of myself as a Rennaisance woman, or is it self absorbed and over extended? I haven't decided.  I feel like I am improving as time goes on.  A good deal of this month I've been down with the Depression and anxiety attacks were popping up again.  I told my husband that I was bound to get worse before I get better.  Maybe that was it?  Something has got to give.  I'm working on my inner growth, on a journey through the past and into the future.  This journey takes a good amount of self reflection, and that takes personal time and introspection.  Those things can be hard to come by for me with everything on my table.  I'm at a crucial time in my life where I am aggressively working on some past damage and wounds, balancing my chakras and what not, and to do that I need to 'do my thing', and my 'thing' is basically being selfish, or at least it feels like it.  I feel I have been neglecting relationships while on my inner journey, disconnecting ssomewhat.  Balancing your inner and outer world can be challenging and time consuming, but I like to think that I'm worth waiting for.

For a year now I've been in therapy where I'm resurfacing all of these emotions and habits and patterns I'm trying to break or make, I'm also on two medications constantly trying to weigh the pros and cons of that situation, single mothering through the week, blogging, frantically writing to appease my creative expression compulsions, trying to keep up with guitar play, learning the piano, and working on being a better mother and person every day.  Maybe I try to do too much?  I'm still compelled and drawn to do these things and make these connections, it's just that personal growth is a long process, especially while I'm still dragging the zombie corpse of Depression behind me, as it chews on my ankle, while I do my best to trudge into the future, anxiety be damned.  I carry a bit of guilt about neglecting my friends, but that doesn't help me in balancing my Root Chakra, does it?  And I would like to think they'd understand, especially considering my daughter is also getting the raw end of the deal as Mama works on "the boo boo in her head". 

I like to think I am making good progress, considering.  I'm currently reading Simple Abundance:  A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  This is a book of essays in calendar format, that you read throughout the year.  Part of 'the program' is working with a gratitude journal, part is working with a 'daily dialogue', which is basically the stream of consciousness writing in my 'Life Liver's Log' journal, and part is working with an Illustrated Discovery Journal.  This is basically playing with collage, and seeing what images speak to your soul daily.  I'm doing an overhaul on my daily routine, on my inner dialogue, on my relationship with food, my way of dealing with the world, etc. ETC.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I feel very selfish giving myself all this attention.  But, still...I need to do it.  And eventually, I'll be better, eventually I'll be more mindful and attentive.  Eventually.  But right now...I'm kind of going through some shit.

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