Take Anything, But the Kitchen Sink

This week has been surreal, like being down the rabbit hole, or in Wonderland, where everything is opposite or backwards? I went to get a clean bowl to get cereal for Celie this morning. I got it out of a basket under a pile of clothes on her bed. I also had to squeeze past a piano in the hallway to get there. I have been using paper towels as coffee filters just because I can't locate them? I can't really use the countertops yet but am. Everything is everywhere! Shit's all over the place!

We had a few setbacks and because of that couldn't finish up the kitchen to a suitable degree before Joey had to return to work for the week. I don't know what's worse, having no kitchen sink or having all of the appliances in the living room? No...no, I know. It's having no kitchen sink. Talk about inconvenient. You don't realize how central that is to the kitchen until it's gone! I can't cook, can't even get a glass of water? Can't easily make coffee or wash hands or things...that are constantly getting dirty. This place is starting to get gross. I need to take a hot soapy bucket to the place and wipe everything down, but I'm gonna have to walk out the back door and around the house with my bucket because there is a piano in my hallway. I'm pretty grateful we actually have a back door? The piano has been more of an obstacle this week, although I still managed to play it a little, which is funny and a little pathetic. Luckily I got all of the tiling finished and if I finish up the grout here before trick or treat time, which is my goal, Joey can put in the sink when he gets home...or tomorrow, rather. It's Halloween! It's probably not happening tonight. 

So, we have been living off of cereal and sandwiches. It works. My dirty dishes are in the tub. The chaos has left me with the don't-give-a-shits. I've just been going back and forth between playing the guitar and mindlessly attempting to make progress, which is also pathetic. This too shall pass. It's like camping in your house, or something? I don't know. I am just watching The Great Pumpkin with Celie and having my last cup of paper towel coffee. Another life lesson brought to you by remodeling projects: Learn to embrace and work around the chaos. It's going to be awesome when it's all said and done.

Remodeling the Heart of the Home

I have never in my life tiled anything before, so I don't exactly know why Joey and I have wanted to do it? Or, was it me? I wanted to do it? Regardless, I find myself tiling our kitchen countertop. It was actually quite fun. My DIY part loved the project! Deep down we love remodeling; it's exciting and fun! It's a new take on an old thing. Deep down we hate remodeling; it's hell! It's where marriages go to die! I jest, but seriously, you want to test the strength of your marriage, remodel a room together...preferably a bathroom or kitchen. The more walls you need to tear down the better, and the grosser the subsurface, the better the results! This is our last room in this place; we have remodeled each and every other room together! It's down to the heart of the home. If you can survive remodeling together, especially in a trailer where nothing is square and nothing ever lines up, I believe your marriage is golden. 

I came back from my Memphis trip and fell right into a remodeling project. Joey already did the entire ceiling of the dining room and kitchen in wainscoting and moved and changed the light fixtures while I was away. What a guy! The top cabinets were ripped out. I made it back in time for the removal of the infamous island and the unearthing of the before time flooring. We took three eras off of the floor, and had to sledgehammer the island out. It almost seemed like sacrelige at the time, but it was the only way to get the beast out! And I had already planned to salvage and save the heavy HEAVY countertop to use as the top of a badass work bench for me...someday. So, even if it's ten years from now, I will see that island again! The island has seen some great times, and has been used for everything from feasting, partying, card games and dice, to sewing, printing, painting, and piercing. But, alas, an oversized island in your kitchen can eventually be a setback. No man is an island! Is this a metaphor?

In dreams, they say that houses represent your psyche or self and that the different rooms are aspects or parts of your self. They also say that the kitchen is the heart of the home. I think it's fitting that this is all happening right along with my Memphis trip. I feel I had a mini rebirth! I came back inspired and in love...right into this mess...which isn't without it's own metaphor. A change of heart is in store; no more islands in my center! I am remodeling my soul, let's use some tile! Let's put all of the pieces together like a puzzle. Let's hold it down with mortar, and fill in the cracks with grout. Smooth it off and let it set...this heart is good as new. 

Memphis or Bust: Pt. 4

We made it safely to Memphis! 13 plus hours, 900 plus miles...my pelvis aches, Elvis awaits! We are down at the end of Lonely Street...at Heartbreak Hotel!! I am off of the road and in my comfy pajamas, laying in bed under a huge picture of the King. Life is good. It was a beautiful ride!

Finished up the trip listening to some Tom Petty Radio on Pandora, I checked the phone and it was 11:11, even though the car said it was after midnight? I didn't realize we would be doing that; I've never driven through a  time zone before. So, we actually made a huge journey back in time today! Quite the accomplishment.

Memphis or Bust: Pt. 3

HAIKU:

Love Banshee, crooning.

'Hundred miles to Memphis.

The Music Highway.

Memphis or Bust: Pt. 2

The road trip continues! Leslie is my Steward. I am grateful for her driving bad assery and her willingness to woman the wheel. This allows me to help navigate and to get to know Miss Scarlet (my Nikon D5500). I bought a For Dummies book because that's what you do when you want to understand your lady! She's complicated and capable; everything a lady should be! She's gorgeous and practical. She's fiery and functional! She'll love Memphis. 

We started a playlist of Memphis songs. Apparently, according to the Rock'n'Soul museum, there are 969 songs that mention Memphis, Tennessee in the lyrics. We couldn't find that many, got sick of them repeating and found a superior Memphis Sound playlist to listen to for awhile. It's a work in progress, we'll build on it! Now we are just listening to Elvis, letting the King prepare us for the home of the Delta Blues! 

We are heading toward Nashville. It started to get dark just after we made it past Louisville, Kentucky. The moon is interesting, tonight. It's a tiny crescent; it looks like a fingernail clipping. Take a gander! We'll be under it...onward to Memphis! 

Memphis or Bust: Pt. 1

So, I decided to make a grand road trip for my 35th birthday! I am traveling with my friend Leslie and my sister, Kate, to Memphis, Tennessee to meet up with my aunt and cousin, who are traveling to Memphis from Washington state to celebrate my cousin's 40th birthday! We SHARE a birthday, you guys! It's actually on the same day (October is a busy month in our family) and I thought it would be the most amazing excuse to make the trip especially since they said we could room with them! ROAD TRIP!! 

A 13 hour road trip! So, here we are...on I71 heading toward Cincinnati, a few hours in. I am grateful for my husband being able to stay home with my daughter. As much as I desperately need this, I was sad to leave this morning. This will be the longest I have been away from her and the most miles there have been between us. It's gonna be good. I need time away and she needs Daddy time. I am missing Show and Tell for Purple Week!?! Ahhhh! I get to see Memphis...totally worth it! 

Our destination for tonight is Elvis Presley's Heartbreak Hotel, only 8 and a half more hours to go! We have a fun itinerary for the weekend, I'm excited to see my family and to experience Memphis with them! "We're going to Graceland...Graceland!" Wooo! 

Everybody's Working For the Weekend

So, here I am drinking from a mustache cup. It is Saturday night and my husband worked today, and not only worked but had a miserable, stressful and long day; he didn't even get home until after 7:30. Needless to say, we were both screaming for the weekend. It just looks different to each of us. 

I do tend to say "tag, you're it!" when he returns, but all that generally means is that he has to eat a dinner that I made him, get showered and then read books to his daughter and lay down with her. The majority of nights he is in there snoring and she is still tossing around pulling at her eyelids.

I take this time to chill in the living room without her crawling back up into my womb; it's been a long week. I have her all by myself all week so I do my share, but I still think that it is important for her to have bed times with Dad, especially because she doesn't see him all week long. We don't see eachother all week long. Everyone is missing everyone. I'm missing being supported, Joey is missing being home, Celie misses Dad but still whines that she wants to sleep with Mama because it's all she is used to. I can not escape being the default parent. Most times she is excited to sleep with Dad, though. It's hard not to feel like a bad mom urging her into her room and taking that time but hey...I do this shit by myself all week, he can manage this while I am just in the other room readily available to tell her to calm down and stop giving him a hard time. It's actually hard in general to carve out time away from her. It's as though mothers are programmed to feel guilty for not being and doing everything, but just logically thinking about that points out how bullshit it is! Mothers need space and time, especially in today's age. We may be super women, but we are not superhuman! 

It takes a village, they say. That's the problem...where the fuck is my village? I think this is the problem with a lot of families, especially single parent families. I am not a single mother, but I share in some of their trials. (I personally believe that every single mother and father in the world deserves a cake, a fun hat, a million bucks, and a national holiday!) I was saying about a mother's drive to be everything? Yeah, single parents actually ARE! I can not even imagine the struggle that they face on a daily basis and I respect the hell out of them for doing that for the benefit of humanity! I'm a completely different breed, though? I seemingly won the partner lottery, but am most of the time without the prize. The Rod Wife, the Trucker's Wife...the Traveler's Wife, basically. My husband is a gypsy, he travels for work and doesn't have any real work roots. He has no office building. He travels as he is needed. I am, quite the opposite, seemingly isolated and alone, planted in one spot, holding down the fort. A tree with my sapling underfoot. In reality, I may not be completely isolated, but I am to an extent emotionally. It's a solemn feeling. In tribal times, this would never happen. Seldom would single, isolated parents survive the challenges of living in the wild. Perhaps it could happen, but what I guess I am saying is that the survival rate would not be very good. You would probably be eaten by a saber tooth tiger. Perhaps this is why it is such a solemn, serious, isolating feeling? The animal in me knows that the chances of survival are slim without my village or tribe. Fight or flight kicks in...I'm constantly fighting. Hello anxiety! There is a primal sense of fear that can take hold when you are isolated with a child over time, and it's a struggle to not let it win. 

There is also a strong sense of guilt that primary caregivers share, that leads to not taking the time to get away, unwind, or care for themselves...not having that mustache drink or that Calgon bath. I am currently working on getting better with my self-care, and it is surprisingly difficult. Actually, I have been failing at it. Months ago my therapist suggested that I take at least an hour every Saturday and Sunday? Seems easy! Not really. I haven't even been able to accomplish that consistently. When my family is actually together, the last thing I want to do is leave them?! But that is exactly what I need to do sometimes...I need that time away, but more importantly, I need to not feel guilty for needing it. I think this has become a completely different post...I digress. For the record, though, parenting is not what has been kicking my ass. Parenting 90% of the time by myself with depression and anxiety has been kicking my ass. Parenting in and of itself can be difficult, but dealing with your own mental illness while attempting to raise a child so that she isn't destroyed by your own toxicity is a whole other set of goals. Believe me...the struggle is real. Self-love and self-care are KEY to my success. Therapy itself is a form of self-care, but can also be stressful as I work through issues and explore my darkness. I need the mustache drinks! More importantly, I need what the mustache drink represents: ME time! 

So, Joey and I have similar and opposite lives and perspectives. He works away all week, building bridges and raising buildings, waiting to return home on the weekend to unwind with his family at his home. I work away at home all week raising a human, and talking feelings, waiting for my husband to return home on the weekend so I can have some relief and companionship. We are both waiting to be reunited, working for the weekend...living for the weekend? Ideally, I would like for it not to seem this way, but when we're together, I'm together.