Monday, February 13, 2012

I Try to Blog, I Turn To Shit

I just don't even know what to say anymore.  One thing I'm sick of hearing people telling me, "Maybe you should talk to someone?"  Do you think?  Uh...probably!!  I thought that was what I was doing?  All that phrase means to me is "Wow! You are a mess, I just meant how you were doing, not HOW you were doing?"  I guess it's not the random person in the grocery store that is telling me this; I am not clinging to strangers and spewing out my life or anything.  I have had a few people say this to me now, though, and I guess it's the desperation in my voice when I talk to people?  The tears in my eyes?  I don't know what, but for years I've heard the obvious.  Yes, I know somewhere along the way I should have talked to someone, but honestly, I don't know that any amount of talking is going to help me now. And that's beside the fact that "talking to someone" costs.  

I'm to the point where I want to do the unthinkable in my mind and submit to medication for my precious crazy, because I just want something, anything, to make it change, to make it stop.  I just feel like I have been in the same place for years and nothing seems to be getting better, but I know that isn't true.  If I could be my own doctor I would say I probably have some border line personality disorder, some manic depressive episodes, some panic attacks, and some idleness of mind.  Maybe I just need a job like the other people say?  I need to talk to someone apparently and get a job.  Distraction?  That's your best strategy against this shit????  I'll take the pills.  I'll take the GD pills over distraction and talking to strangers.  I just don't know what to do.  I think I am too against pills in my mind for whatever reason, but I'm desperate.  How terrible is it I could get a prescription for Prozac but I can't receive therapy as easily? 

I feel like a scatterbrained piece of shit.  I feel like...okay, here.  I feel like when you are loading your groceries onto the belt, and you just keep sending them down, sending them down, scan scan scan...send it on down the belt.  But nobody is there to bag up my groceries, so they just pile up at the end of the belt, and everything is flying around everywhere and nothing is working right and the belt...just....stops.

But this is just me in a depressive state.  I've been in a funk today.  I've had a few drinks.  I sat here crying for awhile.  "It's a lonely old night..."  This depressive side is so strong in me I wonder if I have been bullshitting myself my whole life that I am really a hermit.  Aching.  I'm aching.  All I'm doing is listening to the Salt album by Hoots and Hellmouth.  After I get the baby to bed I just sit here and stare at en empty room.  An empty house.  I don't know what it is that makes me feel sad, though.  Do I really want the company or is it simply the metaphor that this empty house represents, what's in the center...that is too disturbing for my heart to take? This is just me in a funk a funk a funk.

If I believe what I believe then I made this reality.  I've made my bed, but I'm tired of laying in it.

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