November Blog #3: "So Tonight That I Might Sleep"

Well, it’s 9PM and as Mazzy Star's “Fade Into You” winds down and ends I can hear by the beautiful silence behind it that my little one finally must have “crossed over” into the realm of sleep. 
I’ll sit here and write this blog while listening to the Mazzy Star lullaby mix I have playing that I made during the newborn heyday so as not to disrupt the current sound/flow of the house; I have only been working on getting C down to bed for an hour now.  I think mama deserves this glass of wine tonight as she writes…or two.  ;)

My daughter has always been what I would call somewhat “stubborn” to get to sleep.  She’s overall a wonderful baby, and controls her tantrums pretty well considering the situations we find ourselves in when she is overly stimulated and tired.  I’m very proud of her behavior and general composure, but she has NEVER liked to sleep/nap from the beginning.  Starting around her second week of life she decided she simply did not like this sleep thing taking hold of her.  And so the war began!

Now, all moms know that patience is a virtue well earned if you can grasp its slippery hand during your daily battle of wills and wants, but my frustration will at times leave me feeling like a sub par mother, when on rough days in my head all I can think of is the title of the parody children’s bedtime book “Go the F*ck to Sleep!”  Sometimes I just want to read the book to her, a feeling I’m sure I share with a lot of parents.  I know I am at the very least not alone in this, and am sure I’ll feel this even more as the journey of motherhood unfolds!  (But how exactly does one prepare for the fiery pits of hell, anyway?  I jest.  Every day of motherhood is a blessing.)

Rocking your child to sleep in your arms is one of the most amazing feelings and experiences you will ever have.  That being said, though, I can’t help but think that rocking my daughter out on really bad nights might not be all that dissimilar to drowning a cat in a tub.  You have to, at times, physically restrain her until she starts to “cross over” successfully into sleep and you feel her body release and lose tension.  I have to firmly yet gently hold her against me to discourage her thrashing/squirming and pat her bum or back while either bouncing her simultaneously and/or humming into her ear with her little “Buddy” sea horse neo glow worm that plays music held up against her ear/head.  I used to explain her as a newborn: “I have to suspend her from the ceiling, twirl her, and keep plates spinning the whole time!”  Today, if she is tired enough she shakes her head and will tug at her ear, actually ripping at her hair if she isn’t processed to sleep in time.  I am glad the battle usually ends there, because I am fairly certain that stage is followed by head spinning and vomit.

Needless to say, the first months with a newborn are hard enough, but with a stubborn baby, you’re schooled fast and hard on patience and tolerance.  Even after a beginning like that, it’s not any easier to maintain your patience.  It’s still a shame she can’t just settle herself and is so tense about sleep at times.  I just don’t understand why the girl fights sleep so much, or why babies in general do for that matter?  It’s like, REALLY?  You’re FIGHTING it?? I EMBRACE it…with a big old French kiss and a postcoital cigarette!  Bring it on!  I wish I could have someone rock me off to dreamland every day.  I wish I was encouraged to nap and sleep for long periods of time! 

I have to admit, though, I think my daughter got her difficulties from me honestly.  I have never been one to be out “when my head hits the pillow” as the saying goes.  I generally will lay there and toss and turn for an average of 30 minutes to an hour most nights before my mind will give in to sleep, sometimes longer when my schedule is way off.  Even though it takes me awhile to get on my way, once I arrive, I don’t’ want to check out!  So, my daughter is possibly going to be the same way.   The poor girl.  It is an annoyance.  It does jip me out of a lot of could-be valuable sleep time.  I wonder how many of your children’s sleep habits are inherited from you if they are at all and how many are socially learned.  My mother said I tossed and turned a lot in my sleep when I was a child.  Celie tosses and turns so much in her sleep and is such a light sleeper also; she just always has been since she was a baby.

The required steps in the “Dream Dance” can be at times overwhelming and at others exhausting!  Some nights are better than others, obviously, as with all of parenthood, it just depends on how long it takes you that night.  I think rocking babies out would be an interesting and really challenging Olympic sport!  I mentioned all of the bouncing, shushing, humming, swaying, patting, spinning, balancing.  After most or all of these steps are employed, you can start to test the grounds.  There is always the telling “Arm Drop Test” for getting babies to bed.  I do this…but there are really two or more stages.  The first ADT is administered after her breathing has changed for the first time, to see if she will in fact LET her arm be dropped down, because to pass the FIRST round of the ADT, she just needs to let the arm go.  At this point, some children will be out, but not my little Celie.  She will open her eyes and stir even if her arm seems to be dropping on its own.  At this point her body has just begun to accept sleep, but her mind still won’t have it. 

The second round of the ADT can be administered after her breathing has changed for a second time and she has seemed to have changed the sucking pattern on her bink.  When her eyes and face are no longer disturbed by the dropping arm---PASS!  Alright!  Tonight she passed both ADT’s and after waiting the appropriate amount of “settling” time I had risen with her in my arms, preparing for the transfer to crib.  A song on my play list happened to be ending at that moment and, although she was “a sleep” she was not “asleep”.  She brought one hand up to my chest and patted it against me in a half clap and let out a weak and tired “yaaa”, as it is her custom to applaud at the end of a song.  What a heart tug.  That's my girl.  I had to smile and laugh and sink back into the rocker.  Rock and pat again.  This kid astounds me!  Her stamina is amazing.  She is basically half unconscious REALLY at this point but I want her to accept her crib willingly when I put her in it.  Although I will at times let her cry, I have never been one to let her “cry it out”, so this was perhaps the second time I had put her into her room and got her back out again.

She generally falls to sleep in my arms still probably 60% of the time.  The other part of the time I rock her and put her in a lulled, sleepy state into her crib where her eyes may even open as you lay her down, but she is able to escort herself to the Land of Nod. Given, I have to let her run herself ragged before she is even capable of settling for bed, but after they get so tired, it's for their own good (and safety) that you aggressively try to put them to sleep.  Toddlers are such horrible "drunks" when they are faced with exhaustion, aren't they?  No matter how many times they fall, they simply will not stop until they are good and ready. 

Although I still am hearing her stir from time to time, the Dream Dance seems to have worked its magic for now.  I know I have a long road ahead of me on the sleep department with this child, but at least we can agree on the Mazzy Star for now.  Fade Into You has come back around.  The kid has good taste, at least. “Yaa” indeed, little one.  Good night, baby girl. 

- Musing Mama

November Blog #2: "Self Check-Me-Out!"

 So, I was at the grocery store today and all of the lines were full and I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I wasn’t in an incredible hurry, but the lines were annoying me and I decided to give the self check out line a try once again.  SIDENOTE:  SCO and I met for the first time one Christmas Eve, an excruciating encounter which left me questioning the exact practicality of such a service.  I have, though, since used it on occasion, usually when I only have a couple of items and want to check out quickly.  With such occasions I have found that when used with only a moderate amount of items, it does seem practical.  There is, however, really a spectrum of inconvenience vs. convenience when it comes to the Self Check-Out, it seems.  This begs the question:

IS the Self-Check-Out line at the grocery store REALLY quicker?

I guess like everything it would depend on circumstances.  At times, its purpose can be put to proper use and you can buzz in and out with relative speed, having a ball playing cashier, because, let’s face it, it’s fun when you aren’t the one bagging and swiping all day.  It doesn’t seem, though, very practical when you have a large amount of items, especially ones that are unmarked or of the produce variety, because from personal experience, problems of patience can arise. 

Any mother can tell you that the act of shopping alone has the potential to be trying on your patience enough as it is.  (Unless, of course, you should happen to find yourself kid free on a spree with an unlimited credit card that is billed to someone else!)  At this point, my 14 month old daughter seems to enjoy shopping even more than I do, mind you, but she also chooses to spend most of our browsing and selecting time playing the pick up game.  I am usually able to successfully fend her off with odd items I approve of her playing with at the store that will be stimulating, safe, and unbreakable.  (Today she eyed up and I gave her a kiddy bowl with a pig head lid that resembles a pig plate she has at home).  After keeping her at bay and locating all of our needs, I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible like most moms on a mission.  On a whim, I opted for the self check out line.  The first two lanes were in use, but a cashier who was packing bags at lane 3 told me lane 4 was open.  Aha!  I’ll take it. 

Today I had a modestly full cart.  I needed just a “few things” as I told my sister, which was true; I was only planning on getting mainly the baby’s bananas, yogurt, and milk, but we ALL know where that leads, right?  (Which is exactly why in our home Wal-Mart is jokingly referred to as, among other more blatantly insulting names, “THE [hundred] DOLLAR STORE”).  But even after adding in a few impulse buys and some last minute memory-sparked necessities, I was still able to keep today’s purchase comfortably shy of $100. 

I starting scanning everything through and worked on bagging it simultaneously while my sister helped stimulate the baby with a viddy at the tabloids.   For the last part of the check out she was helping me scan items and I was bagging everything up.  We were down to the last two items: a small houseplant and a whole rotisserie chicken.  My sister scanned the plant and put it on the belt and the thing for some reason sent it back multiple times in a belt line dance I have never seen before.  Long story short, it ended up ringing up the plant 4 times.  The self check out assistant/bagger/cashier extraordinaire came over to assist us, putting her code in and all that good stuff.  I watched her punch into the system and go to remove the multiples.  She removed one, but it only voided single items at a time, so she had to remove the other 3 the same way.  She went to go through the process again and ended up accidentally choosing to void my entire transaction!  I could have crapped. 

It was immediately apparent how incredibly bad the cashier felt.  She put her hand over her mouth and literally gasped “I’m so sorry”.  I had no choice but to laugh about the situation.  I think the poor girl apologized to me possibly 38 times throughout the entire experience.   

There was, obviously, no other choice but to remove everything from the bagging area where I had already bagged everything, and scan it all over again.  I reassured her it was not a big deal and not to worry about it, but would appreciate some help with the matter.  We decided she would re-bag and I would re-scan.  It was nice I had my sister with me to occupy the baby while we went through it a first and second time, though.  Meanwhile, the cashier continued to apologize to me over and over again.  She said she was already having a bad day so I told her it was a good thing it happened with me then instead of someone that was in a real hurry and would give her a hard time about it.  “That’s a good way to look at it, I guess” I told her.  I meant it to make her feel better, because it was obvious she felt like an ass, but I’m afraid she may have taken it the wrong way. 

What the cashier and I both found odd about the mishap was that the system didn’t even ask the girl if she was sure that she wanted to void the entire transaction.  We’re continuously asked on most programs, “Are you sure you want to delete?”  I felt bad for her, because it really wasn’t a big deal to me, just one of those humorous pain in the ass kind of things that you can laugh (or blog) about later.  She felt worse than I did, I’m sure. 

All in all, this encounter with the inconveniently convenient Self Check-Out Line was definitely better than that first Christmas Eve’s.  The cashier wasn’t required for every other item scanned this time and I wasn’t in the rush and stress of the holiday season.  I wasn’t a mama yet at the time either.  That cashier girl is lucky; if all of those stressors were stacked together at the same time against her, this may have been a less passive blog. Haah. 

[ What has been your experience with the Self Check-Out Line?   ]