"I'm Taking it Back!" - The Resurrection of ICQ

I just installed ICQ 7.7.  ICQ, if you are not aware, is a nifty little program that I think created the internet back in the 90’s.  Not really, but it was a lovely and simple program that was pretty much the precursor to text messaging if you think about.  It was glorious.  You had a number.  You had a contact list.  You messaged people privately. (Privacy? Remember that?)  Or you could chat with groups of people.  A good time was had by all.  It can really go hand in hand with a young teenager learning their way around the web.  It is also good I kept a good head about me.  I was a young girl with access to many anonymous people from all over the world.  I received at least two phone calls from people I talked to on the net while in high school.  (They were actually people I talked to for a long time on ICQ, I didn’t just let anyone call me!  It’s still scary in retrospect if you think about it, though.  This is one of the many instances that I am immensely proud of my past self because it had that could have gone bad air about it.  But yes – I let guys call me from South Carolina and from Canada before because of ICQ.)

I think that ICQ perhaps got lost in the madness of AOL Instant Messenger.  While this was a neat little proggie as well, I never found it as satisfying or appealing as ICQ.  I always missed ICQ, but after my friends weren’t using it anymore and everyone “moved on” what was the point?

I am becoming continually more frustrated with Facebook.  I started a Twitter account to follow Johnette Napolitano from Concrete Blonde, among other things, but that was a main one, and I am intrigued by its possibilities and I love love love how ICQ now hooks up to Twitter.  It is supposedly able to hook up to your Facebook also but it is having a problem with that currently.  Hm. Isn’t that interesting?  Screw Facebook.  It’s a love hate relationship anymore.  It’s like Walmart.  Nothing can be good forever.  It’s like a band once they make it; you almost have to remember them for what they were before they sold out and changed in order to fit in with the money.  Bah.

So I’m picking and choosing what I want from the mainstream media machine that is ‘creating’ us.  I’m choosing to blog.  I’m choosing to Twitter.  Yes, I’ll still Facebook reluctantly, but I’m taking ICQ back!  I want to explore it in its updated form and see what it has to offer the web user today.  This should be interesting.  So there you have it.  I’m taking it back!  Join me if you want.  The echo is pretty damn loud in here.  So far only one guy from Spain that follows me on Twitter has found me.  It’s just me and Javier for now, but let’s wait and see who’s coming with me!  I feel like it is the apocalypse and you have to travel around seeking survivors. ICQ-Q-Q-Q-Q???!!  

[My name is Missie Sue.  My number is 635303735.  I am predominantly right brain bored.  Idiosyncrasies keep me going.  ICQ for conversation. My left brain will give my right brain the message.  ;P]

November Blog #14: "Ey, Missie---Play Us Some Gee 'tar!"

November 14, 2011 Prompt:  “Have you faced fears and overcome them?”

What is fear when broken down to its basic root but ultimately the fear of eradication?  What else do we have to fear? Fear itself?  I’m afraid of dying, I guess, but we all don’t really like that much.  This is the most basic level of fear, perhaps; I think it is innate in everyone.  With my other fears, I can see logically the reasoning behind them being formed.  I was bitten in the face by a dog when I was around 5 or 6, so I have a fear of being mauled and eaten alive by something.  Before giving birth, there was always the fear of labor.  These aren't fears that consumed me day after day, though.  I still have owned many dogs in my lifetime, and I don't sit up at night fretting over my inevitable death.  I also chose to get pregnant and had a natural child birth.  So is fear itself the real fear?  I think so.  If I had to think of the most consuming fear of my lifetime, I suppose I would have to categorize it as some sort of a social anxiety disorder.  What is it un-categorized?  Maybe, the fear of people in numbers.  Performing, speaking, presenting to a group of people mostly.

I have always been afraid of public speaking or social things or situations, I suppose.  I guess my public speaking class in college was one of my biggest “fears” which in retrospect seems quite silly because, a.) what a small thing to be so afraid of in life and b.) I rocked that shit. Haha.  But I did seriously put it off until my last semester because I didn’t want to deal with it.  I have since then started to play the guitar and after learning to do so, started performing in front of small groups of people.  This has pushed me a long way through this “fear” of public performance.  

I used to be really nervous when the “spot light” was on me, I still have some issues with it.  I enjoy being social and conversing freely; I just have never been one of those people that are super comfortable with all eyes on them.  I am a social moth, I say, and enjoy hanging out with people, but dealing with depression at times for the majority of my life, I don’t know if people ever realized how much of a “performance” it kind of was just to simply interact at times.  I suppose this stems from all of the negative and positive negative attention I got as a young girl.  I had a weight problem pretty much my entire life so of course I became self conscious, it’s kind of hard not to in the world.  This begot nervous conditions, which begot stress, which begot basically a fear I guess.  I’ve also spent my time with disorders.  I have just always seemed to have issues with pent up emotion and a fear of interaction---sounds so lame, but I guess I could have probably been diagnosed with some social anxiety disorder of sorts at a time in my life.  This was all in its height during high school and college; the entire time was a process of me coping and overcoming the things I ended up with on the table.  We all have our different dishes to eat.  I’ve been chewing on mine for awhile now.   I about got ‘er down, though.  

I don’t want to give the impression I’m an easily shaken vulnerable little girl; through my strife I have grown into a strong and determined woman in my own right.  I am merely painting the picture of the past for you, the place I came from.  Life is a process.  I’m working on it.  I don't want to give the impression that I am "tough as nails" either.  I am constantly trying to find a balance between vulnerability and strength. 

Everyone has problems, and I have a slew of emotional issues and memories and hang ups and complexes and blab la bla, but the point is I never received any professional help for my problems.  I feel that, even with my personal problems, I still have been very blessed in life.  Like most people with problems, I never went to therapy.  Hell, I never went to talk to the counselor at the school or anything ever.  I did, however, bond myself to wonderful people when I found them.  I’ve had excellent social help from a good base of great people.  My circle of friends is great, and they’ve accelerated me through my journey more than they will ever know.  

When I started to play the guitar I was excited, because I could just sit around and play for fun.  My buddies would come over and we would drink and hang out and I started playing just for us to have a good time.  This is how I learned to play the guitar.  These were some of the best times of my life.  I was only in my mid twenties, pre marriage pre baby.  Good times.  

My one buddy would always pressure me to play the guitar; he just loved it so much.  Everything about this guy was music and good times.  It was written across his face.  It was caught in the teeth of his smile.  He would get on me so bad to “play some geetar” and when I felt up to it I’d get out my old guitar and mess around with what I could.  He always kind of made me feel funny when he begged me to play.  Sometimes, I would just "not feel like it" and I can't say how much I wish now I would have done it every time he asked me.  What was my problem?  I just didn't understand how he enjoyed it so much.    

I took for granted that someone was actually wholeheartedly enjoying what I was doing too while I was doing it.  My buddy embarrassed me in a way when he would get on me so bad to play.  He thought I was so good, and deep down I felt like a fake.  It was probably just because I knew I was no where as good as his excitement level suggested.  I don't know why I couldn't take as much pride as he did in me and to this day I am thankful I had him to point it out.

We mostly would have sing alongs.  These sing alongs were the best.  During this time, I was able to teach myself some guitar and overcome some social awkwardness while “performing”.  Eventually, at a wonderful local bar that is no longer open, when my musician friends were performing with their band they had me play a song or two.  It was crazy.  During those drunken jam sessions, I never imagined I would ever be in a bar playing in front of people.  It was fun.  It was one of the smallest one room bars you'd ever seen, but it was still a "live" performance.   

I have since then played a handful of times when "the band" was playing somewhere.  I have been given a set myself to play a time or two which was amazing.  My friends also actually all chipped in to buy me a new guitar in 2009!  I started putting up videos on YouTube which is mildly scary if you think about it, but I was able to say, Oh, what the hell!  Friends of mine this year asked me to perform the music for their wedding ceremony.  I have come a long way from my nervous strumming and chirping in the beginning.

So I have become more comfortable with this performance thing.  I’m at the very least becoming more comfortable with being in front of people, and I think that is all I had to get over.  I am learning to accept and embrace the fact that people want me to play.  It’s the pressure of being in the spot light that unnerves me, but after I get relaxed, I can be myself and enjoy it.  It has been a wonderful way for me to work through my issues with public performance anxiety.  I couldn’t sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl or anything without having my guts in a twist and possibly throwing up beforehand, mind you, but I’m getting more at ease with myself anyway.  

November Blog #10: "Some Privacy Please!"

November 10, 2011 Prompt:  What is your secret (or not so secret) passion?

My secret passion.  What is my secret passion?  Can you really keep a secret? 

I am passionate about my daughter and my life as a mother and wife.  This passion should be pretty obvious, though.  I am passionate about my family, friends, and relationships.  I am passionate enough about my line of work and am as much as I can be about my duties in life.  It’s hard to carry on the monotony with continual “passion”, though. 

I am passionate about music and playing the guitar.  I am passionate about my writing.  I am passionate about my creative expressions and projects.  I suppose a lot of these things do remain a secret.  Many of them aren’t viewed by many eyes other than my own.  And I’m okay with that.   I made this blog but didn’t figure on tons of people reading it, and that is okay with me.  That isn’t why I made it. 

It may not be a secret, or be on the down low, especially as I am technically blogging to the world, but I’m secretly passionate about privacy.  Yeah..wait.  I think I really am.  That’s it.  Or, perhaps, even just “alone time”.  I’m doing this blog to express myself, but I don’t really care who or if anyone reads it, I will do it anyway.  

I am a member of Facebook and I take part in this social madness that we have created this decade.  It is unlike anything else in history really.  The word sharing has changed its meaning.  It’s a new world and it is hard to exist in it without getting caught up in the new “sharing” craze.  Share everything!  Everything that is “on your mind!”  It doesn’t seem like someone could possibly value their privacy and still partake in a world like this.  At the very least it is extremely hypocritical of me (or us), but we all need human interaction.  You try to represent yourself honestly but maintain a sense of privacy while still getting across who you are as a human being to the world.  But it’s hard to maintain a happy medium on the interwebs, isn’t it?  

The trouble is, privacy doesn’t really exist anymore.  With all the stalker gadgets that already exist on phones and computer programs, added to how voyeuristic Facebook and every other site is, there is really becoming no sense of privacy.  (Not to mention how the Patriot Act changed stuff, but I guess I just mentioned it.) 

I like to create and I like to write, which means I like to communicate.  I have a good amount of friends and get visits from them and my family, but I also like to enjoy a good amount of time being left the hell alone.   It’s nothing against people…I just don’t like them.  (Haah.  I jest.)  Call me a misanthrope, but I almost need as much time alone as I require socially interacting with people.  I either have just adapted that way about me from the way I was socialized or this is just my nature.  I am not sure which; it is just how I am. 

I live back in the woods with no real neighbors.  I am a bit of a hermit and I think that my argument for the lifestyle is founded.  I don’t want to leave.  Why bother?  Trips to town are so tedious and risky on the wagon.  I have everything I need here!  I leave when I need to; it’s not like I’m a compulsive shut in or anything like that, I’m just a bit of a homebody.  And so you wouldn’t think a hermit like me would be blogging of all things, it’s quite ironic, but I am and I do.  I like to share and I like to communicate, but I also understand people need some personal space.  

Unfortunately, every new contraption that comes out now seems to be created in order to make something about your life more easily made public.  I mean, pretty soon we’ll …be sharing our menstrual cycles with a tracking application on your Facebook profile.  It’ll update your friends when you have ovulated and are most fertile!  It’ll tell them when you are at your most hormonal and it is best to avoid you.  “Jane Doe is on the 2^4th day of her cycle today.  She is likely now bloated, irritable, and retaining some extra water weight.” 

Or aren’t the GPS updates funny all of the time??  Like we have to know where and what everyone is doing every second of their days?  "John Doe has checked in at Home"  Oh, wow, good for you John, I see you made it home.  “John Doe has inserted his penis into his wife's vagina.”  It’s not that far fetched.  I might actually be on to something here. Lol!

Anyway, I really am a partial social butterfly, but I am a private person to a decent degree.  And I suppose that is my secret passion:  that I require downtime; that I require some alone time without anyone else.  Hell, I even require silence.  I generally will listen to music most of the times, and/or have the television on for background noise at the same time at times, but sometimes, I just enjoy and need a time with silence, so I shut everything off and stay in it for awhile until my head clears. 

I love people, but can’t stand them at the same time.  I am very inspired and charged by my family, circle of friends and by interacting socially, but I recharge when I am alone.  I work on me.  And I need a lot of it... ;)