Been My Valentine

February 14, 2016

For Valentine's Day this year we went down to the Casanova Nostalgia in Munson/Casanova. They were having a Valentine's Day dinner special so we decided to partake. I got shrimp fettuccini and Mr. Joseph had a lasagna dinner. We even got a complimentary cupcake after the meal. It was cool that we could go somewhere so close to home and local that was still really cool and we didn't really have to see many people. Ha! Perfect.

Celie and I also received roses and chocolates, because what is Valentine's Day without roses and chocolates, right? That's what makes the consumer holiday go-round! It was a good day.  

Recitations and Reflections

I wanted to make sure that I blogged about this photo moment, especially since my phone ran out of room shortly after taking this picture and I couldn't take video of this day. On December 18th, 2015, Celie was in a Christmas program at her preschool. It was tiny, as there are only 9 kids total in her class, but it was kind of a big deal. Every kid had a spoken line to recite in front of all the parents and family. Given how she handled the Halloween party that they had, where parents were allowed to take pictures and watch as the teachers guessed who everyone was, I was a little nervous about what was essentially her first public performance.

We practiced her line for awhile before the big day as instructed by her teachers.  Each child had his or her own line to recite and then they had a line together to say in unison. It was pretty exciting. She didn't seem thrilled. I tried to stay positive and excited about the whole thing so I wouldn't make her nervous myself. She had her line down pretty well and was spouting off some of the other kids' lines. She said it super fast at times and super silly at other times. I just hoped that they were working with her too on it and she was taking it more seriously in class. Come the big day, she made me proud though. 

Grammy and Pop came to see her that morning with me. She was excited and went over with the other kids just fine, instead of refusing to come in like she did on the Halloween party. I didn't bring my Nikon because I thought I would make her nervous if I made a bigger deal about it with a big camera. She knew what to expect this time though with the visitors coming to view the program. All of the parents were there with their cameras and that's what I think freaked her out about Halloween so I just tried to be discreet with my phone. Then it spazzed so I ended up just watching after taking this picture, which was nice. She recited her line just fine and put her little candle where it was supposed to be. "Light the candle of peace today, the giver of peace is here!" She didn't freeze or cry or freak out or forget her line. It seemed like no big deal, or at least she made it seem that way? Either way, she did good. It was cute. 

I was trying to remember how I would have handled such a task at the age of 5. I don't think I would have even done as well, but then again I can't remember. At one point in my childhood I was rather outgoing and didn't give a shit. I slowly got taken over by social anxiety later on, but I still did things then, I just felt like I was dying inside while doing them. I openly talked with Celie about her nervousness, though, and she shared the fact that she was a little scared but she wasn't terrified or anything. "Just a little nervous," she said. I assured her that it was fine to be a little nervous or scared but she will be fine, all the other kids have lines too. I think that was maybe why she was better, because they were all in it together. There is something to not being the only one, right? Strength in numbers? Plus, we practiced at home and she practiced it with her teachers a ton in the days leading up to it, and practice, also, leads to confidence. At least, that has been my experience.

My Kid is Kinda Creepy

My kid can be a hurricane. She can be a firecracker and a handful; she uses every second of her waking day for movement. At the very least, it can be a little challenging for her to be still...especially when she's tired. She fights it to the end, even when she goes willingly. Books and snuggles, she will still literally go through a twitching and relaying-of-her-dreams-to-you stage before giving in to Morpheus. The struggle.is.real.

I have also decided that she is part zombie. Exhibit A...this sweet photo I took of her this Christmas Eve. D'awww! Super cute, right? NO! It's creepy...it's creepy as fuck?! I have spent a number of times over the past 5 years panicked and staring at my child, wondering if she was breathing. It's a little weird, I think, that she sleeps with her eyes partially open! 

Now, I don't think that she got this from me, or her dad for that matter. Truth be told, my brother sleeps with his eyes slightly open the same way. So she got it from Uncle Tony. It's actually funny having a kid and seeing so many aspects of your siblings in them. I wasn't prepared for my brother's weird eye thing. It's funny, though. 

So, at least they aren't COMPLETELY open. That kid's gotta be out there somewhere, the poor bastard! Maybe this title IS a little over the top. She doesn't chant in her sleep or anything, I'm sure that kid is our there too! I joke that she hates sleep so much that she doesn't even fully close her eyes for it. Maybe that's why? It's like Enter Sandman...she sleeps with one eye open. Or---two eyes half open? That equals one, right? What's she looking at? At times I have closed them, but that just seems too morbid and freaks me out. So I just let her be...Celie, the squinty-eyed sleeper, lover of worms, coordinator of chaos and keeper of caterpillars. Dream on, you crazy kid! 

Christmas Trees in Tees

December 12, 2015

We got the Christmas tree in 50 degree weather and t-shirts this year. That was mind blowing, but rather pleasant. We went with my parents and sister out to Pinchy again. It's the spot for Christmas trees.

Nobody liked my picks for the tree? Traditionalists. Where is your sense of adventure? The orange one would have matched the house decor so well!

Celebration and Crucifixion

My wonderful Easter Lily still blooms as I write this. I'm inhaling its lovely fragrance with every in breath and there are still three buds left to open.  I intentionally picked one that had no open flowers when I bought it last Wednesday.  We've been watching it bloom and it just gets prettier and more fragrant with each passing day.  Each flower is a new celebration, and that is truly the gift that keeps on giving!

This past week has been one of celebration and today it continues with Earth Day! First it was holy week and we were presented with all of the biblical tales on TV. I watched Mary, Mother of Jesus last Thursday, mostly for the portrayal of Jesus by one Mr. Christian Bale, but was moved more by the mother of Christ instead. Moved to tears, actually, but that was nothing compared to what followed.

UP, which stands for Uplifting entertainment, is the network I caught the holy week shows on...ironically. Mary, Mother of Jesus was followed by an encore showing of The Passion of The Christ. I had already seen this Mel Gibson take on the crucifixion story, but decided to watch it again, since it was holy week and all. Cry me a river, and I honestly did. It's worse than when I watch Titanic. I understand the 'need' for the depiction of violence in this story, but I can barely make it through it. So, I sat there while my kid slept next to me watching The Passion of The Christ in honor of Easter, which seems odd, but you can't really depict the life of Jesus without dealing with that whole crucifixion thing. Sadly, it's what made Jesus memorable to many. What did Jesus do? He simply loved people and spread the awareness of that love and for that he was violently murdered. Talk about insult to injury. Basically he threatened the life of The Ego. He was attempting to wake up the world, but most of the unconscious masses enjoy their slumber. "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do!" They really don't.

Wednesday I had therapy and bought myself an Easter Lily. Thursday night I wept for Jesus and read The Drama of The Gifted Child, then on Good Friday I made some ribs on the grill and welcomed my husband home proper. Easter came and went. Sunday was also our twin nieces' birthday (which also happened to be 4/20). Now today is Earth Day! Crucifixion and celebration, I guess they go hand in hand? Bunnies and eggs, crosses and lilies. We celebrate the renewal of life and welcome the flowering gifts of spring. We have survived the fruitless days of winter and are eager to once again grow towards the light. Fertility and the continuity of life, that's what we celebrate when the Easter lilies bloom. After the holiday has passed, my lily continues to bloom and surrounds me with sweet fragrance and for that I am grateful. Happy Earth Day!

The Heart of the Matter

Happy Valentine's Day!  I believe people put entirely too much pressure on this day for romance, but it is a nice holiday...mostly if you aren't single.  I'm all for the Jehova's Witness way of viewing every day the same in this case.  Just like church on Sunday won't redeem you from a week of sin, you can't disrespect your lover all year and bank on a really sweet bouquet, a clever poem, or heart shaped box to win it.  In that aspect, I do detest the potential fraudulent nature of the day.  Everyday should be devoted to love, right?  I would much rather receive flowers on a normal day "just because" than demand to have them on Valentine's Day.  HOWEVER, no one can deny it is lovely to receive remembrances from your Beloved.  It makes you feel good, right?  To give and to receive.  Plus, it's mostly symbolic, as with most holidays, anyway...and highly commercialized.

As for me, nothing says I Love You like a new fedora and wrist supports!!  Yes...wrist supports.  Hey, it's what I wanted!!  Well, I also got Melissa Etheridge's album, "The Road Less Traveled" and ate some Chinese buffet with my husband without our child!  Walmart and Chinese food, such romance.  "I love the way you woo me!"  What it comes down to is that it doesn't matter WHAT you do, unless you're an asshole about it. Time is really the best gift you can give someone.

It's the THOUGHT that counts.  What's on your mind?  The idea in your heart...the mental occupancy.  I've eaten at the truck stop for Valentine's Day...I've also done nothing, and that was fine.  Flowers and chocolates are nice, but I'd much rather be on your mind.  Although, not losing the feeling in my hands and scoring a new fedora is pretty sexy in my book too!  Happy overrated commercialized chocolate flower card day!

A Whole New Year: Here's To Me

"And so this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."
To quote John Lennon, "what have you done?"  Have you made the most of this year?  Are you a better "you" than you were a year ago?  I was thinking about the state I was in a year ago and the state I find myself in now.  I can't believe that an entire year has flown by, but upon reflecting I can see the time and changes.  2013 saw some good stuff!  I started off in bad spirits, but this year has seen more personal growth in me than possibly any other.  Like the phoenix out of her ashes, I too have risen out of the pit I found myself in at the end of 2012.  Mind, Body, and Soul, I feel that I have come a long way in 2013.  I have gained insights and a new perspective through my experiences this year that I hope will help me to continue to progress as well in 2014. 

Last year I was too depressed to get a Christmas tree.  I simply didn't give a shit, about most things at the time, but especially for anything that seemed more of a pain than it was worth to me.  This year, even though I didn't decorate it and it was obtained in the easiest way possible, we actually had a tree.  I think that was a step in the right direction, even if the Christmas spirit was more so forced, it was there, nonetheless. And that was symbolic of my recovery, even if I feel I should perhaps be a little farther along on my journey after a year of therapy and medication, a lot of other things have happened this year that have shaped me.

1) I started therapy shortly after the first of the year in 2013. After how things went with Doc X I was so scared I would get a Bible thumping therapist who wouldn't 'get me'. One of the best things that happened was me being referred to my therapist, who I love. She, being an art therapist, understands my artistic mind, we have built up a good report, and this relationship has been key to the success of my progress in many areas of my life. With her I switched from Lexapro to Prozac for an SSRI to help with my seratonin levels and then started on Wellbutrin and discovered how wonderful dopamine can be.

2) I started taking piano lessons in March and it's amazing how I feel about it. It was sort of a symbolic make up for childhood thing that coincided with therapy. It was for my self worth, to feel that I am someone that deserves to and is worth piano lessons. I was entirely more nervous than you would think starting, especially considering a friend of mine is giving me the lessons. I think it's just because I want it so bad. This is something that I have wanted to do since I was an incredibly young child, so I had doubts about my ability to do it. I was scared I would flake out like I have with so many other things, the clarinet being one of them. I was determined though, and I am proud of my progress. I feel more natural at the piano than while playing any other instrument. I'm determined to stick with it. BEETHOVEN OR BUST!!!

3) Facebook actually made a wonderful connection this year and frankly I think it is the most wonderful thing to ever come from this social network's algorithms. It actually suggested my Musing Through account to my new friend Melissa, that's how we met. We both live locally so we met up and started jamming together in February and this has turned into a great friendship and partnership. She has saved my musical muscle from atrophy during my 'recovery time'. I quite possibly would have put down my guitar had it not been for her and I am forever grateful.

4) I reconnected with my friend Leslie after she got out of rehab and together, I think, we helped keep each other together. However different, we were both going through a metamorphosis of sorts and our friendship was a much needed salve that helped our wounds heal faster than they would have alone. It was a symbiotic union from the start.

5) While my sister was in from South Korea in July we went to see Old Crow Medicine Show at Penn's Peak in Jim Thorpe. It was my third time seeing OCMS and it may have been the best!!

6) In July we went on our first REAL family vacation. I made my first Outer Banks trip and I now understand why SO many people proudly sport the OBX stickers. I had an intimate moment with a rising sun.

7) Leslie and I made a road trip to New York City to take my sister to the JFK Airport. While there, we went to the city for a visit and checked out the New York Public Library and bought some fedoras on the street!

8) Saw Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band!! BUCKET LIST EPIC!

9) I saw FLEETWOOD MAC!!! I can now die happy and have personal proof why everyone who underestimates Lindsey Buckingham can suck it!!

10) I attended my first Oak Mountain Hideaway House Concert and saw the son of icons, Ben Taylor. Got to meet him, have him sign some stuff, talk of life, and play a song on his guitar in what I like to refer to as The Ben Taylor Experience!! SURREAL!!

11) I have experienced a great deal of Spiritual Development and have, I think, come to better terms with my place in the world and my Life Purpose.

12) I have also experienced a great deal of emotional and psychological healing, due to therapy, drugs, art and writing. It's been a good year for expression.

13) While bored in early summer we came up with the "Scale of Promiscuity" that rates people according to their sexual activity. It is entirely too thorough and descriptive, with a scale for each sex and a name for each spot on the Scale. The trick is to unabashedly place yourself on the Scale, which is more of a spectrum, perhaps. Why?? Because boredom loves stupid.

14) I attended the 10th Annual and my first Greenwood Furnace Folk Gathering with my friend Melissa. It was a super fun camping weekend of music workshops and performances. It was one of the coolest things I've attended!

15) I started writing like a mother fucker!!! After being blocked for months and wondering if I would still be compelled to create while on meds, I had a huge creative burst during the second half of the year. I began to experiment extensively with iambic pentameter and writing in form, including Odes and Sonnets. I've filled up my 3 subject Life Liver's Log in around 5 months. I'm collecting tablets to use for LLL's in the colors of the spectrum and I want to go through the chakras. I'm still on Red for the Root!

And so, what have I done? It seems like a lot, considering. I've made some good connections and progress. It was an eventful year and it was a pretty good one. I am incredibly blessed and I feel that now more than ever. I am in a much better place this time around. Hopefully this year I can continue moving forward toward where I want to be. Here's to moving forward. Happy New Year!

The Sacrifice of Joan of Arc: Burning for Change

"We set the night on fire!!" 
Well, not so much the night, but last night.  And not so much the night, but a tree.  Last night, we set the tree on fire; we burned a dead piece of pine in an attempt to symbolically release things we no longer want or need.  (You know me and symbolism.)  I think that there is much symbolism in the purification aspect of fire.  I wrote and learned about this earlier in the year as I burnt remnants of a cluttered past.  I decided that at the traditional yearly "Turkey Party" that my husband and I host we should burn our Christmas tree in a metaphorical sacrifice and we each could adorn it with our own symbolic ornament to send off into the ether, transmuting its energy for a new designated use.  Letting go of the old to make way for the new.

Earlier this year my husband and I watched St. Joan, a 1957 British-American film about Joan of Arc listening to the voices in her head and following a calling she had inside of her. The movie was haunting.  I was moved by the idea of her heart not burning.  I was moved to tears during the burning scene and consumed with trying to envision what it was actually like for her to burn on that stake for what she believed in as her flesh was boiled off into the ether.  Death is the ultimate form of transmutation, changing the form of our life force, sending our energy out and into the cosmos.  I believe in the power of transmutation and the power of personal symbolism.  Once fire eats something, be it pine or be it flesh, it is gone.

This year, for me, has been one of healing.  A year of therapy, a year of medication, but one of letting go of old patterns and behaviors.  At the very least the year birthed the recognition of my need to change and it conceived a damn good attempt at getting myself moving forward.  The recognition that chronic depression, anxiety, and self doubt were holding me back from reaching my full potential in every single aspect of my life was a fire in itself that took off and slowly began to consume and transform the negative qualities of my psyche.  Learning to trust in and stop doubting my own voices, instincts, and feelings is becoming easier after receiving professional validation for such things.  To quote the Beatles, "I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time..."

So, last night at Turkey Party after games and festivities the remainder of guests and us watched our woes burn away with our Christmas tree.  I cut out orange and red slips of construction paper and got out a trusted black Sharpie and we each wrote on the slips of paper what we wanted to surrender to the power of fire's purification and/or release.  Some had symbolic photos, some chose qualities or habits to write down.  I took an orange and a red strip of paper and assigned one to my Self Doubt.  On the other, in honor of my year of healing and the recognitions I have made, I surrendered "victim mentality/poor me/and all other sad ass excuses that keep me from reaching my full potential".  I think that about sums it up.  All of the energy we put into harboring negative thoughts and behaviors eats away at the precious time of our lives like a cancer.  If we transmuted that energy and used it for a better purpose we could transform our lives phenomenally.
So we all gathered together in new tradition and watched as this year's Toast Master lit this years Christmas tree, decorated with our ornaments of transmutation, on fire.  It turns out negative energy burns like pine, fast and hot.  For a few momentous minutes, before us stood a pillar of fire as our woes and words burned off into the sparks that flew out toward the darkness of night sky.  The heat was intense, and I blinked away the tears.  It was magnificent.  The intensity was only momentary.  I thought about Joan of Arc dying this way, in pain as her flesh melted away.  Dying this way so we would remember that life is precious and no matter the consequences we should listen to our inner voice(s) and follow our calling.  Obstacles be damned; life is short.  All earthly things are transitory. Tradition is an important tribute to the constant in the chaos, almost as important as the symbolism we use.  The pillar of fire quickly turned into a tower of sparks and soon, from all of our worries, all that was left were the skeletal remains of our sacrificial tree.  I could still make out her silhouette by the hot glowing embers on the charred wooden lumbar of her spine.  We all stood in silence for a few glorious seconds lost in our own hopes, thoughts, and dreams until she finally fell over.  We had released the energies of 2013.  Would the symbolic burning of these things really be a catalyst for the changes that we crave?  This new year shall see.  Bring on 2014!!

Ode to Christmas

Early morning risers with eyes full of joy,
Wake from their restless slumber with a yawn.
Anticipating that long awaited toy;
They want their presents at the crack of dawn.

Again the family gathers, for it's that time of year,
From far away they return to their homes.
We feast and laugh, exchanging Christmas cheer,
Reminding each other we're not alone. 

Giving or getting, there's no time like the present.
Inside our hearts we find the greatest gift.
Tradition reminds us when memories lay dormant,
And bind us tightly, as through time we drift.

Tannenbaum Sonnet

Evergreen, how long will she be standing?
I sit here staring, basking in her light.
Within her limbs survives understanding.
Somehow she brings the day into the night.

She holds a song written before her birth;
Inside her voice is housed a solemn tune.
You'd never break her value or self worth.
She'll take your breath away under the moon.

Adorned with silver 'cicles and a star,
Her earrings sparkle as bright as her crown.
Her ornaments highlight her hidden charms;
The gifts below her skirt can break you down.

Mother Nature gives a lovely show.
Her needles stick you when you hold her, though.  

First Kiss in Present Tense

In a Christmas kitchen he beckons me into the dark, and pulls me to him with a sense of entitlement, a sense of juvenile urgency, a seriousness you possess only before your heart has felt the lashings of the world, when exploration is still the only destination, as if it was his sole duty to seduce me.

With red and white confections still crushed between his teeth, he seeks out my lips and parts them smoothly with his cool peppermint tongue.

He feels like menthol velvet as we meet like high tide to the sand.  Slowly I melt into his mouth, matching the movements of these lapping waves of youth, tasting the ecstatic new found sweetness of his candy cane kisses.

Labor of Love: 138th Cooper Picnic

Today we did what we have done for Labor Day...well, all of my life?  I wonder if it really has been 32 years in a row?  Surely not, but most years of my life.  I don't know how old I was when we first went.  Surely I missed a year or so in there somewhere? Who knows?  Most of the years of my life I have gone to the Cooper Picnic on Labor Day.  This was Celie's 3rd year.  She made her Cooper Grove debut about 7 days after she was born; it was our first outing as a family. This year was the 138th annual Cooper Picnic.  My family's involvement in these festivities has spanned decades and it is a tradition that is close to my heart and will hopefully continue.

When I was younger Labor Day sometimes started the day before the picnic.  My dad is an electrician, and often fixed things or helped out as they were preparing for the event.  I remember going with him when he fixed the soft serve ice cream machine.  I thought it was so neat, I got to see how it was made.  My family also helped out and we were expected to for many years once we were older.  My grandmother worked in the kitchen when we were younger and we would run into the old dining hall kitchen to see her.  "I love you!" she'd tell us every time.  We would visit a minute or two, watching as she did the dishes.  It was also in this hall where my parents had the dinner part of their wedding reception.

The Cooper Picnic has games and small rides, like the unforgettable hay rides, but I can even remember when they used to have a ferris wheel and there were ticket booths.  They have the traditional bbq chicken dinner but also have a stand with burgers and such.  Funnel cakes, blue berry milk shakes, birch beer!  A few of my favorite things. The games and flea market are even better.  I can't even say how many gold fish we've won and free goods we have acquired.  My pap spun the chuck-o'-luck wheel for well over twenty five years!  I can still hear his voice declaring, "An ace, a deuce, and a trey!"  My grandmother worked at the Chinese auction when we were older, this was actually the last place that I saw her alive.  We stood in the spot where I last spoke to her on this Labor Day as we talked to a friend and watched his dad's band perform.  I forgot to mention the live music they have every year.  It's a good time.  Plus, you never know who you are going to run into at the Cooper Picnic, family, friend, or foe!

The grove is haunted by the spectres of my youth but I am sure more than that clings to this place.  I used to attend catechism classes every Wednesday in the main building that has long been torn down and replaced by a new one.  We used to ride the merry-go-round until we were sick!  They used to have the yearly 'Sleigh Full of Gifts' dinner here where we saw Santa.  I remember coming to Karate events here that my dad was in when I was a kid.  What else happened here, beyond my life?  To think, what was this grove like 138 years ago when the residents of Cooper Settlement started this community tradition?  What did these grounds look like?  The grove itself must have been so different; these trees, while impressive, were clearly not here 138 years ago.

As my daughter ran wildly evading my husband's attempts to control her, I saw myself running around the Cooper Grove as a kid, barefoot and wild, lost in tradition.  Living in the holiday.  Times have changed, the grove has clearly changed, the food has changed, the games have changed....the people have changed.  Many things about this event have changed over the years...but the tradition continues. 

Still...My Valentine

My Valentine

I loved you yesterday.
I'll love you tomorrow.
You held me through heartache.
You held me through sorrow.

I struggle, you lift me,
Above all my troubles.
I stumble, you grab me,
You lead when I wobble.

I missed you yesterday.
I'll miss you tomorrow.
I'll fight hard to keep you.
I'd beg, steal or borrow.

I'm balanced on tight ropes.
Try not to upset me.
I'm aiming for high hopes,
Lets see where that gets me.

Your hands tell the story,
Of a hard-working man.
one hell of a lover,
Who does all he can.

I believed in you yesterday.
I'll believe you tomorrow.
You guide me through darkness.
Wherever, I'll follow.

I break down, you listen.
The weight makes you strong.
You show me new insights,
Whenever I'm wrong.

We're team mates, we're partners.
We share all our strife.
We're friends and we're lovers,
Together for life.  

[February 9, 2011]

A Room to Wait; No Time to Waste

I am sitting in the waiting room at the chiropractor. Our annual "Turkey Party" is tomorrow. I can't believe Christmas has come and gone and New Year's is quickly approaching. There are so many things that I wanted to accomplish this year that never happened, ideas and projects that have just died on the floor in a puddle of blood, failure to thrive, oozing from their thought bubble umbilical cords. I guess they were premature.  I am in the worst mood that I have been in for awhile right now. I feel like I am getting my monthly hormonal drop but have just finished my period. I feel the stress of tomorrow and all the things left to do and all the things I will never be able to do. Things have just been nonstop with the holiday, and then still working on a partial remodel of our bedroom and hallway because of our discovered mold problem, and having two print jobs due for Christmas, not to mention the one I was unable to fill by Christmas. Oh, and I just learned my therapist is not covered by our insurance at all, so we will have to pay out of pocket if I want to start therapy. Intake interview bill to come.   :/ I'm just a little stressed and disappointed with my effort this year and feeling like overwhelmed shit as of late. I wish I had the time or energy to blog about what has been happening. I have at least 5 posts for events in 2012 that I need to finish up. Sigh. The good news is my sister is home from Korea so she will be able to come to Turkey Party but the sad part is she has decided to work in Korea another year, so she is going back in about 3 weeks! So every minute we have together counts. I'm hoping for a smooth party with many memories and moments. (I can hope can't I?!) Turkey is almost 21 pounds. Tomorrow we will roast and toast!! Happy Holidays, everyone!

Ravenwood Manor: A Haunted Night of Fun

Ravenwood Manor

"The Bloody End"; 13th Year

Beccaria, Pennsylvania

October 7, 2012

I don’t know why I was under the misconception that I couldn’t be scared around here for Halloween.  Don’t believe everything that you think.  I also thought I was maybe a little old for a night out in fake blood and zombie face, but it turns out 32 is not too old to have a good time and almost piss yourself in public.  Last night I went to Ravenwood Manor, a haunted house attraction in Beccaria, Pennsylvania.  It was a wonderful seasonal experience; it was pleasantly and freakishly exciting to discover something so local and legit was offered to the public. 

Ravenwood is offering their 13^th year of scares this October.  I have never even been to the place until now.  I actually wasn’t even aware of its existence these whole 13 years it has been happening.  Needless to say, this was fairly exciting for me.  It is located at the Hegerty Mansion, in Becarria at Hegerty Crossroads which is a little out in the middle of nowhere.  This only adds to the creepy atmosphere. 

The mansion is decked out in its own Halloween costume, under the glow of eerie colored lights, accessories and sounds.  There is a backing of eerie music loud enough to be heard from the parking lot.  We hit up the port-a-potties beforehand, which was probably for the best as I am sure it prevented some urine from escaping throughout the tour.  The grounds are complete with a Cadaver Café where you can get refreshments prior to or after your tour.  The ticket booth is outside and there is a roped section to accommodate a line when there is a crowd.  I was informed it was quite busy the night before we went, and people waited almost two hours for the approximate half hour tour.  Even the ticket taker was in costume.  Thankfully we didn’t have to wait and were able to go right in, and by that I mean purchase our tickets at the booth to be immediately chased across the yard onto the porch by a creepy clown wielding a chain saw.  There were four of us in the group I went with and we huddled into the form we would assume through most of the house, a ball of squeals. 

There are supposedly 27 rooms in Ravenwood Manor.  I am not sure how many we viewed; I have to admit in all honesty I wasn’t counting as we were going through the tour.  We were ushered into a foyer of sorts and then led into a study type room by a man in full costume.  Our guide had a top hat, sunken eyes and a bit of a gimp to him.  With a booming voice one could hear at a theatrical production he gave us back history about Ravenwood Manor.  A resounding voice beckoned to you through the darkness.  “This way!”  Actors were jumping out behind us from unseen hiding spots.  We were led to room after room, each one adorned with horrifying scenes and disturbing characters.  Every room I entered I assessed in the darkness, finding a spot to stand that I didn’t think was in front of a lurking actor waiting to jump out at me.  They were coming from all sides!  This shit was authentic! 

In one room we were approached by a scary clown, in another a creepy doll woman, surrounded by large doll figures.  A lot of the actors were so convincing that it took a little time in the poor light to discern if they were real or not.   By the time you figured it out, they were jumping at you with a startling scream or coming at you with knives or hatchets.  In one room a mad dentist drilled into a mechanical body.  In one room a clown swung sideways down the wall at us.  The actors approached us and were convincingly freaky with their interactions.  It was hard not to laugh in defense, which I hoped didn’t make them think I was mocking them.  They all did a very good job.

We moved from room to room, the doors closed behind us, all the while being guided from room to room by the tour guide.  In one room that sported body parts hanging from every inch of the ceiling, we were urged to “Step toward the bed...”  This is when I had a moment of physical defense and stress.  In a normal life situation this wouldn’t be very wise and would have drastically different results.  It was authentically scary and if all of the limbs weren’t obviously fake you could have sworn that you had been abducted into a house of torture.  After veering through narrow stairways and hallways being warned to “Use the handrail, 3 steps down!” in a villainy vibrato voice, we eventually came out into what seemed a large vagina.  I jest, but that was what it was like, being born.  I actually got hung up in it at one point.  It was a pitch black tunnel that was vibrating.  There were curtain type foam barriers you had to push your way past.  I lost my friend I was with at one point and couldn’t see where I was going so I slowed to a near crawl for part of the tunnel, fumbling through the dark, feeling for the floor, until I could see my surroundings again.  It successfully threw me off balance and was genuinely hard to navigate. 

After finally making it out of the pitch black vibrating vaginal canal, we were spit out into a smoke filled room with three clowns coming at us with cowbells, chainsaws and scurry faces.  At this point our group wasn’t exactly sure where to go so my friend just asked them; it was quite humorous.  With straight faces in full character, still coming at us with noises he nods to the end of the tent we were in.  Apparently we had exited the house via the vagina and entered a party tent filled with clowns and smoke.  All around it was a good little spook show! 

Front of Ravenwood Manor

For only being $12 and within 100 miles of my house, I must say it was a very good local attraction.  Until now the scariest Haunted House I had ever been to was one I had visited in Daytona Beach while on vacation; you had to sign a Death Certificate before entering.  Ravenwood Manor was more authentically scary and interesting to tour by far than the house in Daytona.  The house itself was magnificent; I would love to tour it without all of the haunted tour décor, let alone just see it in the daylight!  The ceilings looked to be about 12 feet high in most of the rooms and each doorway was fashioned with a gloriously tall ornate door.  There were tiny passages and interesting angles.  I was very pleased with this attraction!  Kudos to the actors, staff, and owners at Ravenwood Manor!  Thank you for offering such an entertaining local haunted attraction!

Boo to You!

Missie Sue

The 4th of July Tradition

The Osceola-Mills 4^th of July parade has been a tradition in our family for as long as I can remember.  Every 4^th my mother would meet up with her sister and brother and their families and cart us kids to the parade.  We’ve pretty much sat in the same general area for all of these years, which I guess you could say has been at least 25 or more, as I can remember being at least 5 or under and attending the parade and carnival.  Both the carnival and parade seem to get smaller and smaller every year.

Curb-side at the 2012 Osceola Parade

The parade usually starts at 11 in the morning, but we are usually late.  We were late this year also, but my mother informed us we only missed 19 fire trucks and one band.  Geez.  We sat at a new location this year, a friend of my mother’s front lawn where there was a wall and a set of stairs going down to the road; a somewhat different layout for picking up thrown candy.  Celie enjoyed the fire trucks, but really paid little attention to the parade.  She pretty much ran around and had to be followed or restrained the whole time.  Madness.  She’s at that in between age, where she’s not a little baby but not a kid big enough to know things are dangerous or to listen to you.  I imagine this stage will go on for the next 16 to 25 years. 

The parade ended with little thrill.  The Jaffa Shriner’s weren’t even there this year?  It seemed so much more exciting when I was a kid, obviously.  But what is happening?  Everything is shrinking.  The carnival is even smaller with fewer attractions.  We made our way down to it after the parade though and had our ritual walk through of the small event.  After having forgotten at least 4 items and returned at least 4 times to the car for them, we also forgot my wallet that had at least 10 bucks in it.  My husband had one dollar on him.  We are with it!  (sarcasm)  Joey gave the dollar to me and I got 5 rings for a chance to win him a pocket knife.  I failed.  My sister, Kate, then paid my way and we played each the game of games, fish pong.

Fish Pong, or the Fish Game, I don’t know what it’s called actually, has always been one of my favorite games at carnivals.  Your prize is alive!  And it will last however long you keep it alive!  My cousin Brian won a fish at the Osceola carnival and it lived for 12 years!  Goldy is a legend in our family! We wanted a legend for Celie, so Aunt Kate decided to give it a try.  After several attempts at the fish game, we both failed.  You would think that all of the beer pong experience would have helped?   I guess red solo cups are a little wider at the top and easier to hit than those little fish bowls?  Plus they are closer together.  This carny was using dirty tricks; there was about a mile between each colored bowl.  Yeah, that was it.

Celie is at that odd age where I’m not sure she would stay in a kiddie ride so I am a little scared for her life, but one cool thing about the carnival was that she got to go on her first ride with her cousin Sofia (up until recently, referred to by Celie as “Ya Ya”).  They road the little cars together; this was one of my favorite rides when I was little.  I liked the motorcycles.  They used to have lights and buttons you could push for horns and things.  They used to have ramps they went up on.  Of course these are probably the same rides that I road when I was a child in the early 80’s.  Pretty soon the fake steering wheels will rust and you won’t even be able to turn them and pretend you’re steering!

Sofia (left) and Celie (right) riding a padiddle buggy.

After our small visit at the carnival we stopped at my husband’s uncle’s house on the way to the car.  They live locally, so we often see them at the parade and after.  It was a nice visit.  They gave us two little tricycles for Celie to take home!  Not to mention it was well into the 90’s, it was a scorcher, and their generous offerings of iced tea were most refreshing and appreciated!

We then drove back to my aunt’s house for the traditional post parade and carnival cook out.  We hung out on the patio and drank some Coors Light while the girls splashed in a kiddy pool.  Good times.  We consumed charred mammal flesh and feasted on side salads.  We didn’t even blow anything up, but it was fun.  We had one old sparkler that my cousin stuck in the fire and we watched.  Not very exciting for the 4th of July, but, it was a beautiful thing, traditionally speaking. Isn't that how it goes with traditions?  It doesn't matter how it goes, the comfort lies in repeating the pattern.


Traditionally Yours,
Missie Sue

Be My Cynical Valentine

Valentine’s Day.   Bah.  Humbug.  Do I really not like it? 

Who actually doesn’t like a day when someone is almost forced to tell you how much they love you and give trinkets and remembrances?  There are some, I am sure. 

It is just a day after all.  It’s not even rooted in Christianity like St. Valentine’s Day suggests.  In all likelihood there was never even a St. Valentine, or if there was he wasn’t martyred on the 14^th of February for refusing to marry people or whatever the Main wants us to believe. 

Valentine’s Day is actually based off of the Pagan holiday of Lupercalia.  Now, this whole story deserves a blog, but an informative one, and I’m not in the mode right now.  Long story short, it was actually the 15^th and not the 14^th.  Romans basically drew a lottery and whoever’s name you go, that was your sexual partner for the “festival of sexual license”.  This is to say if anyone can prove anything that is written in a book (they really can’t).  So, like all history, your guess is really as good as mine.  Not really, but Valentine’s Day is definitely stolen from Pagans.  The Christians couldn’t keep the Romans from celebrating (how could they, I’m sure they LOVED it) so they basically adopted their holiday and changed it to suit their purpose. 

...To Be More Resolute: A New Year Pep Talk

My New Year’s Resolution is - to be more RESOLUTE.

Google says:  resolute is an adjective meaning admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.

Who couldn’t benefit from that?  What do I want to be in the New Year?  Decisive.  I need to be more decisive; to feel an idea or a wave of inspiration and just go with it.  I need to be more determined.  I need to tap into more energy.  I need to TRY HARDER. 

Sometimes I feel everything in my life has been a short coming in a sense.  I feel as though in some ways I have never fully tried to the best of my capabilities at anything.  The creation, birthing and rearing of my daughter is the thing I am the proudest of in my life and that has only just begun.   So what in the hell have I been doing the other 29 years of my life?  There are definitely areas in my life that could benefit from some transformation and I know that it is well within my power to do these things. 

”Yes, I’ve been black, but when I come back you’ll know know know!”

– Amy Winehouse

It takes a lot out of you creating a life.  It takes a lot out of you accepting death.  2011 was a maelstrom of sorts, in that I had to learn extreme flexibility in multiple ways.  Embracing the chaos life can bring can make you a more flexible mother or simply overall individual.  Floating capsized in the murky sea of change in a depressive vessel, however, certainly gives you a crash course in embracing…or not giving a fuck, maybe?  Regardless, 2011 has been a year that I think has kicked my ass while simultaneously bringing me back up more than any other year in my history.  This is after 2010 literally beat the shit out of me.  I was pregnant all year.  I gave birth.  I officially entered motherhood.  I lost a close friend.  Life was really up in the air, it seemed. 

I became a mother last year, but this year was my first FULL year with my daughter; my first year living with and trying to raise a toddler.  I feel I have learned so many things and yet still have so much left to learn.  I have watched her learn so many things, but yet she still has so much to learn.  2010 brought me life and death, and 2011 brought me hope.  I learned to keep trudging on, no matter the consequences, no matter how tired, no matter how worn out, you always have a little more inside that you can give.  There really is a reserve tank in there.

I had a relatively good year in 2011.  While faced with some old demons, some residual ripples of negativity in my psyche from the previous year(s) of my life, I still had an incredibly fulfilling experience.  I nursed approximately 7 months out of this year; cloth diapered approximately 7 months; was next to my daughter damn near the entire year save for a handful of much appreciated, much needed, much deserved nights with Grandma and Grandpa.  There was a lot of crunchy granola discovery in there.  My heart grew month by month as I enjoyed my first full year as a mama.  More love and more love just kept pouring out, it seemed.  The healing had begun.  I have found numerous helpful online resources and communities to help me on my soul journey and look forward to having these resources in the New Year. 

In 2011, I organized and coordinated a local St. Jude Walk-a-Thon in September and raised $1000 with my friends and local volunteers.  I started my blog, Musing Through, this year and participated in BlogHer’s NaBloPoMo in November.  2011 was preparing me.  I feel like it has been a segue year, perhaps, into the rest of my life.  A middle marker, where I choose change I want and continue on my path.  Or the year where I finally woke up?  I’m not sure which.  I may have stumbled, but I have found my ground.  I will dust myself off.  I will straighten myself.  I will move forward.  I have hope that I will succeed with my goals in 2012, and pray that even with the ones that fall short, I will gain valuable truths and learn many lessons.  Like the phoenix, I can rise from the ashes of the past.  I can rise out of the cloud of negativity that consumed me in adolescence, and followed me into my early adulthood.  I can – change my mind.

I have viewed 2011 as a year of discovery.  I have come to terms with a lot of things in myself.  I have experienced a large amount of self-growth even though a lot of the “dirty work” remains to be done.  I have viewed/examined personal areas that I need to improve in the New Year.  Above all, though, I have learned what I am fully capable of, and I know that I am also capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for and I am really excited to work on being more steadfast with my goals next year.   

My 2012 New Year’s resolution isn’t anything in particular.  It is all things.  It’s simply to be more resolute; to be more determined and unwavering.  I am capable of great things.  I may flicker like the candle flame, but I will continue to burn regardless of the wind.  Bring it on, 2012!  I have sat on too many ideas and “wouldn’t it be neats” for too long!  I vow to myself that this year I will work on bringing everything that has been fermenting in the recesses of my mind to fruition, for good and for real.  

In the Year of New,

Missie Sue

Earth Day 2011: "Mind Your Mother!"

As you may know, Earth Day was yesterday, April 22, 2011.  I spent the majority of the day working on projects around the house and got a good amount of things done.  It was a good Friday.  It was also Good Friday.   I also took it upon myself to inundate the FaceBooks with posts and videos about the Earth/Earth Day/Recycling/Littering.  My mother later in the day posted the comment: 

‘Missie, you have single-handedly provided enough Earth-saving info today to "save the Earth" with just your words - if only everybody would listen and just do it!! You go girl!!’

To which I responded:

 ‘Thanks, Mom! If ONE PERSON listens and joins in...it's worth it to me! ;)’

And this is so true.  It made me decide to post this blog about it.  Because…why not?  I don’t expect everyone to take the time to look at all of my comments/posts/blogs about anything in general, let alone when they are swamped with a bunch of links and info on recycling and environmental awareness.  But, we are all in this together!  It is OUR world!  We all can do our part!  Every little thing counts.  All of the cliché sayings are true!  If I can turn on ONE PERSON to recycling or just being aware that they have a carbon footprint---it is worth it.  If someone sees something I post and later they take the time to give it a second thought when they are tossing some garbage out of their car window because of a silly video I posted about littering?  Yeah, that is worth it to me.

Check out this video from Greenpeace!  Are your hands helping or hurting?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep9MFiWXR8M&feature=related

I am personally an avid recycler; our household recycles and composts most of what we are able.  We are not the perfect zero waste home by any means, but we try to do what we can and are always looking for new ways to be greener.  We want our hands to help more than they hurt and to at least be aware of and try to control the carbon footprint we are leaving.  For our wedding, for example, I reused old green, brown, and clear (painted blue) glass bottles for centerpieces to hold wild flowers.  We used 100% compostable Chinet plates.  The invitations and favor boxes were all made out of 100% recycled paper.  I used natural twine and hemp for a lot of decorations/favors.  Every little bit counts!  It was a very “themed” yet different wedding, but it was a wonderful day that still made a point. 

"Each person influences the next; you have more pull than you think."

REMEMBER:  All newspaper, scrap paper, and cardboard can be recycled at most community drop offs/recycling centers.  All clear glass, tin, and aluminum are generally accepted at most drop offs as well.  #1 and #2 plastics can be recycled at select drop offs.  Check in your local area!  Some communities have curb side pick up for recyclables for a small fee.  Some places offer recycling along with their garbage service.  We don’t have this in our area, but I think even a small fee would be worth it, as our sorting and dropping off can be somewhat of a chore.  We usually only drop off every so often and have large garbage cans we fill with separated recyclables behind our shed.  I think that opting for pick up would be helpful if you have limited space.  Start to recycle what you can from your trash, ESPECIALLY PLASTIC, and you will be AMAZED at how it cuts back your trash output.  Now think of it in the grand scheme of things.  Logically we can assume that same percentage or ratio of the whole world’s trash sent to landfills could be decreased as well!  Experiment.  Try it.   If you burn your garbage, this helps cut back immensely on what ends up in your barrel/on your pile.  If you have garbage pick up, you will be sending way less to the land fill!  Try to think…where does something REALLY go when we toss it in the garbage?  We say "throw it away"...but where is "away"? 

If you do nothing else, here are 3 small ways you can make a difference:  Take a shorter shower; set back your thermostat 2 degrees; and recycle! [The Green Book, Elizabeth Rogers and Thomas M. Kostigen].

"Eat your dinner.  There are starving children in other countries that would love to have that food!"  What your parents always told you was true.  Another big way you can help the cause is to try not to waste so much food.  Waste not, want not.  Some people are starving---so finish what you got!


 "If you could reduce the amount of food wasted in your household by just 25 grams per day (about the weight of a slice of bread), you'd save 20 pounds of food annually---roughly enough to make sixteen meals. If all U.S. households reduced their food waste by this amount, the savings would be enough to provide three meals per day for a whole year to each of the 1.34 million children in the U.S. who are homeless." [The Green Book]

You can also donate to the cause with a monetary donation!  Just like with the Red Cross text donations, you can donate a mere $5 via text to the Green World Campaign.  This organization plants trees in forests over the world.  You can text “TREE” to 85944 to donate $5 to the Green World Campaign to plant five trees in damaged forests!!

Let’s talk light bulbs!  Simply opting for CFL's can save money and carbon output.  Simple, right?  The GREEN BOOK says it is as simple as this: 

"If every American home changed out just 5 regular light fixtures or the bulbs in them with more energy-efficient compact fluorescent ones, we'd keep more than one trillion pounds of greenhouse gases out of our air---equal to the emissions of eight million cars. That's $6 billion in energy savings for Americans."

These bulbs are a little different color of light, but you get used to them.  We use these in our house.  My dad actually gave us a huge pack of them for Christmas one year!  The gift that keeps on giving!  He has been using these in his house since the early 90s.  I personally find them to be brighter.  They last incredibly longer while using fewer watts. 

‎"...(twenty-seven-watt compact fluorescent bulbs replace seventy-five-watt incandescent bulbs; eighteen-watt fluorescent bulbs replace sixty-watt incandescent bulbs.) For each twenty-seven-watt compact fluorescent light bulb you'll get carbon emissions savings of 140 pounds per year and save $12.00. For each eighteen-watt compact fluorescent light bulb, you'll get carbon emission savings of 110 pounds per year and save $9.50."

Stay informed!  Educate yourself on ways you can make a small impact and we can all work together to do the right thing for Mother Earth!  We’re all in this together, folks!  Give a shit!  Do something!  Don't toss it, sort it.  Turn off your lights.  Unplug unused appliances.  Use a clothes line!  There are tons of simple ways you can all make a difference and do your part along with me in your own way!  Let's try to work with the Earth and not against it.  

Helpful Resources:

Earth 911 is just an overall great site for information!

http://earth911.com/

The Greenworld Campaign is a good organization that plants trees!  Trees are beautiful; I find them to be one of the most awesome things in existence.  Our world needs them to provide oxygen and strengthen the soil.  Donate $5 and they will plant 5 trees!

http://greenworld.org/

This is a very good concise breakdown of what can be recycled and can’t.
The World's Shortest Comprehensive Recycling Guide

http://www.obviously.com/recycle/guides/shortest.html

This is a great site to look up your local recycling centers!
Recycling Center Search

http://search.earth911.com/?what&where&list_filter=all&max_distance=25&family_id&latitude&longitude&country&province&city

This is an excellent book actually put together by Kohl’s Cares for Kids.  It is full of a lot of statistics and examples on ways to go green and help with personal stories from different celebrities telling how they make a difference:

The Green Book:  The Everyday Guide to Saving the Planet One Simple Step at a Time by Elizabeth Rogers and Thomas M. Kostigen

And don't forget to spread the word!  Get on someone you know that litters.  Post a blog of your own!  Spread the message.  Each person influences the next; you have more pull than you think.  And remember, you are speaking your voice when buying recycled/natural/organic products.  Shopping is voting!  Use your voice wisely.  

Your Fellow Human, Sister on Earth, and Partner in the Cause,

Missie Sue

I'm Blogging: "April Fools'!" No, really.

It is April Fools' Day and I am establishing my blog.  I love it.  It is my day, indeed.  A holiday for foolish acts and trickery.  Mwaha.

Here is some interesting information on April Fools' Day's origins! Interesting time of the year, with all of the holidays---Ground Hog’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day, the Vernal Equinox, Ostara, April Fools’ Day, Easter. There’s just something about this time of year.

My spirit is so very thrilled Spring has returned! My allergies…not so much.

Me To You,
Missie Sue