Recitations and Reflections

I wanted to make sure that I blogged about this photo moment, especially since my phone ran out of room shortly after taking this picture and I couldn't take video of this day. On December 18th, 2015, Celie was in a Christmas program at her preschool. It was tiny, as there are only 9 kids total in her class, but it was kind of a big deal. Every kid had a spoken line to recite in front of all the parents and family. Given how she handled the Halloween party that they had, where parents were allowed to take pictures and watch as the teachers guessed who everyone was, I was a little nervous about what was essentially her first public performance.

We practiced her line for awhile before the big day as instructed by her teachers.  Each child had his or her own line to recite and then they had a line together to say in unison. It was pretty exciting. She didn't seem thrilled. I tried to stay positive and excited about the whole thing so I wouldn't make her nervous myself. She had her line down pretty well and was spouting off some of the other kids' lines. She said it super fast at times and super silly at other times. I just hoped that they were working with her too on it and she was taking it more seriously in class. Come the big day, she made me proud though. 

Grammy and Pop came to see her that morning with me. She was excited and went over with the other kids just fine, instead of refusing to come in like she did on the Halloween party. I didn't bring my Nikon because I thought I would make her nervous if I made a bigger deal about it with a big camera. She knew what to expect this time though with the visitors coming to view the program. All of the parents were there with their cameras and that's what I think freaked her out about Halloween so I just tried to be discreet with my phone. Then it spazzed so I ended up just watching after taking this picture, which was nice. She recited her line just fine and put her little candle where it was supposed to be. "Light the candle of peace today, the giver of peace is here!" She didn't freeze or cry or freak out or forget her line. It seemed like no big deal, or at least she made it seem that way? Either way, she did good. It was cute. 

I was trying to remember how I would have handled such a task at the age of 5. I don't think I would have even done as well, but then again I can't remember. At one point in my childhood I was rather outgoing and didn't give a shit. I slowly got taken over by social anxiety later on, but I still did things then, I just felt like I was dying inside while doing them. I openly talked with Celie about her nervousness, though, and she shared the fact that she was a little scared but she wasn't terrified or anything. "Just a little nervous," she said. I assured her that it was fine to be a little nervous or scared but she will be fine, all the other kids have lines too. I think that was maybe why she was better, because they were all in it together. There is something to not being the only one, right? Strength in numbers? Plus, we practiced at home and she practiced it with her teachers a ton in the days leading up to it, and practice, also, leads to confidence. At least, that has been my experience.

My Kid is Kinda Creepy

My kid can be a hurricane. She can be a firecracker and a handful; she uses every second of her waking day for movement. At the very least, it can be a little challenging for her to be still...especially when she's tired. She fights it to the end, even when she goes willingly. Books and snuggles, she will still literally go through a twitching and relaying-of-her-dreams-to-you stage before giving in to Morpheus. The struggle.is.real.

I have also decided that she is part zombie. Exhibit A...this sweet photo I took of her this Christmas Eve. D'awww! Super cute, right? NO! It's creepy...it's creepy as fuck?! I have spent a number of times over the past 5 years panicked and staring at my child, wondering if she was breathing. It's a little weird, I think, that she sleeps with her eyes partially open! 

Now, I don't think that she got this from me, or her dad for that matter. Truth be told, my brother sleeps with his eyes slightly open the same way. So she got it from Uncle Tony. It's actually funny having a kid and seeing so many aspects of your siblings in them. I wasn't prepared for my brother's weird eye thing. It's funny, though. 

So, at least they aren't COMPLETELY open. That kid's gotta be out there somewhere, the poor bastard! Maybe this title IS a little over the top. She doesn't chant in her sleep or anything, I'm sure that kid is our there too! I joke that she hates sleep so much that she doesn't even fully close her eyes for it. Maybe that's why? It's like Enter Sandman...she sleeps with one eye open. Or---two eyes half open? That equals one, right? What's she looking at? At times I have closed them, but that just seems too morbid and freaks me out. So I just let her be...Celie, the squinty-eyed sleeper, lover of worms, coordinator of chaos and keeper of caterpillars. Dream on, you crazy kid! 

Snow Men, Snow Angels, Snow Women

January 13th 2016

On this day we came home from preschool and played in the snow a bit. Celie made some snow angels. We also made an impromptu snow man and I was actually proud of myself for giving in to its creation. This was a hard winter for me, not as hard as previous ones, but I still was fairly low mood and energy the whole time and it was hard to get me to do much of anything fun. I'm glad that Celie coaxed me to the out of doors and into the snow when she did. I let her have a winter trampoline session at one point. It's sad when the woods are completely snowed over and we can't do the things that we do in summer. Celie has a hard time understanding. There is also a very isolating feeling that is laid down on the hill with that snow. Surrounded by white, the snow leaves a silence and stillness to the woods. The winter can be lonely and long.

A couple of times this winter we sled down the back yard hill on little plastic saucer sleds. We bought them after Celie suggested we buy them when she spotted them at the Hardware in Kylertown. Her and Joey went sledding the first day and I stayed in. Then when he was gone that week I went out and sled with her a couple times. On our final ride, after the snow was replaced by hardened ice, it was a day that I just really didn't want to go sliding, I had my period and was feeling rather unpleasant. But, again, I let Celie lead and I found myself flying down the hill on the patches of ice that were left over. We slid so fast on that stuff, we were wiping out left and right and out came the long lost laugh...and then Mom ended up breaking her saucer. Yep, I busted a hole in the bottom of it on the jagged ice. It was a good time, though. We had some fun this winter.

She Leads Me Home

I followed my anger out into the woods.

I shrugged off Its stronger offenses. 

I found a trail, I searched for the Good,

Unknowing, let down my defenses. 

Into my garden and over my wall, 

The remnants of shadowy deeds. 

Creeping under the mockingbird's call, 

Frantically pulling at weeds. 

At dusk, I buried her under a tree,

And left a small cross at Her head. 

At dawn, I drank, as I was in grief, 

Remem’bring She never was dead. 

- December 15, 2015